Bedlamite
by Semika
Summary: First let’s pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let’s pretend he doesn’t like it much. Then let’s pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let’s pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.
1. The Beginning

_**Bedlamite**_

Here it is the long awaited (by some) **HPDG** story. It begins on the **31st of July before Harry should start his 7th year**. This story ignores the plot of Books 6 as do my other stories because if you get rid of Dumbledore and make Severus decidedly evil, who is left to play with hmm?

This story is, as requested, slash free. However, there may be mentions of homosexuality (not for Harry or other main characters) without great detail as it is a normal occurrence and not something I will deny entirely. Don't worry if that makes you uncomfortable since I'm guessing the strongest mentions will just be something along the lines of "Richard Tykes and his partner Stephan Fullop were also present in the audience" or something along those lines, simply stating their partners without major detail.

This fic is slightly darker then my usual although I have tried to include humor wherever possible. There is not that much in this chapter but I'll make a greater effort in later ones.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** Hello? This is _fan fiction_! Surely you've all realised that I do not own all the aspects of my story? I mean come _on_! Duh! (For those of you who didn't realise, the characters you will recognize belong to J.K Rowling and related companies. So does the setting, but I do own the plot and an overdeveloped ego).

- - - - - -

**Chapter 1- The Beginning**

"Mister Longbottom, will you confirm for us that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is truly dead?"

"Yes Minister Fudge, I have brought with me his wand, which you see on the table before you. His body is still where I left it, Aurors are already on their way to the sight to collect and confirm this."

"And the Death Eaters?" Fudge looked across his desk at the seventeen year old boy who had done the impossible.

"All that were in his inner circle are dead, all the others passed out wherever they were located when Voldemort-" the other four occupants besides Neville and Dumbledore all flinched, "When You-Know-Who was finally felled. Those forced into his servitude are also now comatose, but their marks are silver so that they may be identified and judged on a case by case basis. Voldemort apparently felt that if he would die, the rest of them could all go to hell and as such our jobs have pretty much been done for us. Our spies will simply realize that their dark mark has vanished and they may now lead normal lives."

Every person listening breathed in a sigh of relief. The six of them were seated in the Minister's private office. Fudge himself sat behind a large mahogany desk, sweating obviously in his consuming, heavy, state robes. In front of the desk sat a grime covered and exhausted Neville Longbottom, the lights second savior. He had only turned seventeen this very day and had as his birthday celebration managed to find and defeat Voldemort, the most powerful dark lord in wizarding history. 'Happy birthday Neville! Here's your party, I hope you don't mind, the only guests we could round up were insane followers of a psychopath who want to kill you. Oh here; have some killing curses from us. We thought we'd all pitch in for a fireworks display and the green flashy ones aimed at your head just look so pretty don't they hmm?'

Needless to say, he had not had the nicest of days, but he was still pleased as that which he had been destined to do (or so Dumbledore said) was finally over and he could live a long and happy life.

Next to Neville, sat Albus Dumbledore. He too was looking slightly worse for wear having been forced to don brown robes in the place of his usual purple and yellow so as not to stand out too much and be a giant duck-like target for Death Eaters in the final battle.

To one side, partially hidden by the shadows, sat Alastor Moody. He had not been at the main battle, instead cutting off Death Eaters as they tried to join their master. By the time it had ended, he and the rest of his task force had a nice pile off to one side, ready to be tried and most likely convicted of treason, assault, kidnapping, mass murder, and all sorts of other pleasant things.

The other two people both sat against the wall behind Fudge. Percy Weasley who was there to officially scribe out the announcement of the fall of the great and imbecilic Lord Voldemort, and Rita Skeeter who was present to write out a public announcement, telling a tale of bravery and triumph, featuring an all star cast of Mouse Boy (Neville), The Candy Man (Dumbles), Sauron's All Seeing Eye of Doom (Moody), Augustus Gloop (Fudge), and, in his return to the stage, The Sith Lord (Voldemort)! See him return with death defying (or not) stunts. _Watch_ as his resurrected body falls apart before your very eyes! You'll laugh and cry as you follow his adventures on his quest to rule the world!

(cough, cough) Er… moving on.

"Rita, I expect to see this story in this evening's paper." Fudge stated, taking charge of the situation, "Mister Longbottom, we are so very grateful for your services. You will be duly rewarded, you as well Albus, Alastor."

All three inclined their heads.

"I am most proud of Mister Longbottom." Dumbledore stated, "He has achieved something which we had thought to be impossible. Especially after young Harry Potter's decline into the dark arts."

"Yes indeed, that was a terrible time. The wizarding world gave up all hope for a while there. Thank Merlin you were up for the job Mister Longbottom."

"Er, yes… there is a problem that was revealed during the battle." Neville looked incredibly uncomfortable, his face, moments ago completely worn out but still exultant, now looked cautious and somewhat traumatized, "Ah, this would be easier to show you. Do you have a pensieve available?"

"Of course Mister Longbottom, just in here." Fudge pulled one out from behind his desk.

Neville drew the bowl towards himself. He placed his wand to his temple, frowned momentarily, and then summoned a silvery thread into the basin.

Moments later, the snake like face of the now defeated Dark Lord rose up out of the basin and began revolving on the spot. Even with the knowledge that he was gone for good, most of the room's occupants still drew back with a hiss at the sight.

"_Ah,_" The head intoned, "_Mister Neville Longbottom. We have become rather well acquainted since the end of your fifth year have we not? I must admit though, I still feel this would have been so much more fitting if you were indeed Harry Potter. How sweet his pain would have tasted as his one chance to avenge his parents slipped through his fingers along with his very life essence. Oh well, I guess I cannot have everything. I suppose though that there is still time for me to bestow this cruelty upon him. In truth, he is simply waiting for me to do so, surrounded by so many of my loyal followers, the only true innocent in that hell hole you people use to house those you no longer need._"

Voldemort paused here, apparently listening to something being said to him.

"_A murderer? You truly believe that of your old school mate?" He laughed, "Oh, this is why I love you light fighters, you seem to be incapable of learning from your mistakes. You sent Sirius Black to Azkaban for a crime he never committed, and then, only a few weeks after his supposed death, then revival and official pardon, you do the same to your true savior. It was so easy. I simply found several appropriate victims, ones that would hurt him, causing him more torture in Azkaban then any dementor could dish out. The Weasley twins would have been perfect I think, but they were unreachable at Dumbledore's head quarters. So instead, I settled for Mister Finnegan, and Mister Finch-Fletchly, a half-blood and a mudblood. They were connected to your savior, but they were also those I would have probably told him to slay. A few fake magical traces at the scene of the murder, and Harry Potter goes to sleep at his relatives' house, and wakes up in a prison. It was far too easy to be satisfying._"

The voice faded away, lowering back into the pensieve, leaving a stunned room. They sat in silence for several minutes before Percy Weasley spoke out with what they were all thinking.

"Oops."

- - - - - -

"Look, the wizarding world will demand his release as soon as Skeeter publishes this in the paper this evening. If we want to stay in good opinion, we must beat them to it and release him immediately." Madam Bones put in her two bits.

Neville, Albus and Rita had all left some time ago for their own various reasons, all of them, even Rita were feeling incredibly guilty for their roles in the Boy-Who-Lived's unfortunate incarceration. Neville had arrived back home, gone straight to his room and sobbed at the injustice, not noticing his grandmothers worried looks as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Dumbledore had immediately called a meeting of all Hogwarts staff members, which would be followed by an Order meeting, both at Hogwarts. He knew that this was the quickest way to reach Harry's old companions and to hopefully build up a support network for the boy for when he was released.

Rita went to her office. Despite her over use of Quick Quotes, she was actually a fairly talented writer. This had been seen clearly in her reports during the most recent reign of the Dark Lord. She also knew that a lot of her fame came from her reports of Harry Potter, a boy so memorable, but yet so easily forgotten, that he was an instant paper seller, even after the past year. She was a reporter and thus knew how quickly her reputation would diminish if she didn't pull off a _very_ sympathetic article. And thus she set to work to make Harry Potter the wizarding worlds own personal god once more. She knew that if she could get them following her lead, and keep the boy in question happy with her writings, she could possibly even benefit from this disaster.

Fudge had meanwhile, summoned all the key figures in the Ministry of Magic to discuss what their actions would be. Alastor Moody was still here, accompanied by Amelia Bones, Mafalda Hopkirk, Roshalda Quirk from public relations, and Clancy Normind from Magical Control.

"I agree with Madam Bones." Hopkirk stated, "We locked him up without a trial, we ignored his rights as an underage wizard, and we put away his only open supporter. Forget public opinion, we're liable to pay up a fortune in legal disputes for all sorts of reasons should he get it into his head to press charges."

"Perhaps if we give him a massive compensation sum off the bat, he may not look into further action against the ministry." Quirk suggested, looking hopeful. With a teenaged daughter herself, she knew that money was very compelling to the young.

"Either way, we must be prepared for the fact that he may not be stable when we release him. We know he holds a lot of power, we should be wary lest he not have that under wraps when we next see him." Normind pointed out, ever worried about future problems for his department.

"Ah, I have his reports here." Percy Weasley stated from where he was seated diagonally behind Fudge, "He has not been noted with any signs of mental instability, apart from intense enthusiasm about small details. He apparently has been trying to hold philosophical debates with the other prisoners, still eats a healthy amount, regardless of taste, and at one point attempted to start up what he called 'The Azkaban Choir'. The human guards report that while he is clearly hurt by the dementors' presence, he seems to bounce right back. The other prisoners, including captured Death Eaters are apparently quite fond of his antics as they give them something constant to rely on to keep grips of their own sanity."

"Might I suggest," Moody began, "That we look into releasing Daphne Greengrass?"

"What's she in there for and why should we release her?" Normind asked, being the only one who was unfamiliar with her connection to Harry Potter.

"She was tried and convicted a few months after Potter for public disturbance, illegal rallying and to a small degree; treason. She was continually looking for legal loopholes to get the boy out of prison, trying to start rallies for him, and being generally a pain in the arse around Hogwarts. We should release her because we set her in the cell opposite Potter's as a sort of petty revenge thing where he saw that there was no way he would be getting out. She is due to be released in six months anyway and, if I remember correctly, he could never stand to see others hurt so he may take kindly to her release."

"Why was she trying to help him? By her name, I would assume she is, or _was_ a Slytherin."

"Who knows what motivated her? Either way, she has apparently formed quite a connection with Potter and thus should _probably_ be released along with him." Moody explained and all the others soon nodded their acceptance of this.

"Alright then, we appear to all be in agreement that Harry Potter should be released immediately. I propose that some of us along with some of his friends personally go to collect him and Greengrass immediately." Fudge suggested and the others nodded once more.

"Well then, we shall call Dumbledore. He will know who should come with us. Weasley, get to it. And hurry boy! We need to beat Skeeter with this."

- - - - - -

"Albus, what the fuck to you _mean_ Harry was innocent? You assured me that his guilt was inescapably proven! The bloody ministry sent an innocent boy to Azkaban! Again!"

Sirius Black was quite clearly upset by this new revelation. He was pacing backwards and forwards in the staffroom as the other teachers watched his display in fascination. Sirius had taken the role of COMC teacher after Hagrid left for South Africa in what would have been Harry's sixth year, soon after his return from behind the veil as a way to forget about his godson's supposed betrayal. Remus Lupin had become the defense teacher again and was actually preparing to begin his second year in a row, a feat which had not happened in quite some time. The other teachers were still who they were when Harry had left, and they were all sitting in stunned silence. Whether it was because of the news Dumbledore had just shared, or because Sirius was rapidly changing colours from red, to white, to yellow, to a rather unusual shade of puce as he paced backwards and forwards across the room; no-one could be completely certain.

"How on earth are you going to fix this one old man?" Sirius snapped, turning back to Dumbledore and pausing in his steps, "He'll not forgive any of us for this you know, regardless of how large or small a part we have played in this whole debacle."

"I realize that, but I am hoping we can encourage him to listen to our apologies. I know they will not mean much, but he may appreciate the effort." Dumbledore said quietly.

"Perhaps if we call up some of his old friends from school?" Remus suggested, looking up momentarily before returning to gazing at the smooth table before him with absolute fascination as though he could see right through it to Rio and they were having a samba party.

"Yes, I have sent for the entire order and have included all the available Weasley children, and Miss Granger. They should be here in a few minutes."

Sure enough, as he spoke, Tonks rolled through the fireplace behind Dumbledore, followed closely by Kingsley. The two had finished the clean up and had quickly complied with Dumbledore's summons. Fairly soon, the entire Order along with the few underage younglings were sitting around the table along with all the teachers bar Sirius who had returned to his pacing, occasionally sending shattering hexes at the nearby shelves and the items they held.

"Is it true Dumbledore? Has Voldemort really been defeated?" Molly Weasley soon questioned, having not been at the battle herself.

"Yes, Neville succeeded in his task." Dumbledore confirmed and all those who had not seen it themselves sighed with relief, "However that is not what we are here to talk about. We are here to talk about Harry Potter."

Every newcomer stiffened and glared.

"What about him?" Ron Weasley asked snappishly.

"I am afraid something terrible has happened." Dumbledore began, "To be more specific, _we_ have done something terrible. During the final few moments when Neville was confronting Voldemort-" cue flinch, "He found out a few things. Voldemort-" _and_ again, "revealed that he had framed young Harry. He was innocent all along."

Every new occupant sat back in their seats, looks of horror slowly crossing over their faces. The room was silent once more except for the occasional cursing from Sirius and the explosions that accompanied them.

"_What_?" Hermione Granger finally whispered.

"Voldemort-" and once more for the cameras ladies, "placed some false magic traces and set it up so that Harry would have no alibi. He basically just shoved him out of the way as soon as he could."

"Oh sweet Merlin." Tonks sobbed, covering her face.

"My poor baby boy. They've done such horrible things to you." Molly Weasley wept.

Now, their reactions may seem a little too immediate, but after Voldemort's return had been confirmed, Azkaban became worse then it ever was. All heating was removed, the dementor force was doubled after they returned from the Dark side, food supplies were low and the guards were encouraged to give no lenience in any manner and to dish out whatever punishments they felt were appropriate. It was, in every sense of the term; a living hell.

"Albus, what are we going to do?" Arthur asked, slightly plaintively, "We must get him free of there and start him healing."

"I know." The aging headmaster stated, "I am hoping he will come back to Hogwarts, but I would imagine that is the last place he wants to be. He will most likely harbor a great resentment for all of us."

"But, we couldn't have known. He must realize that?" Ronald Weasley seemed desperate for confirmation of this.

"None of us can be to blame for this, but I'm not certain he will see it that way since we all know from his talks about the Dursleys and Pettigrew that he can really hold a grudge. We simply should apologize anyway so that he may see that we regret what he has been through." Dumbledore stated as calmly as he could given the circumstances. He seemed prepared to continue but he was cut off by a bark of laughter from Professor Snape.

"Albus, how can you blame what happened on anyone _other_ then the people in this room? _You_ had the power to investigate this further and chose not to. Molly, Arthur, you and your children along with Miss Granger all chose to testify against him at that mockery of a trial which he was not even allowed to be present for. Miss Tonks, _you_ were guarding his house on the day of the murders and did not see him leave, yet you were more then happy to condemn him along with everyone else. And lastly Black. Y_our_ betrayal was probably worse then all the others. You had been falsely accused before and as soon as Potter listened to you, he immediately took your side. _You_ left him to the very fate he'd helped you escape, and cursed his name as he went. And yet, you all feel you simply need to give a perfunctory apology and hope he's not resentful? I may not like the boy, and probably never will, but I have to admit I will support any action he takes against the lot of you."

After the ex-Slytherin and now ex-spy stopped his rant, everyone simply stared at him for a few moments.

"Well, ah… while you do raise some valid points Severus my boy, we must wait and see Harry's own actions." Dumbledore stated firmly.

Snape simply rolled his eyes and went back to watching the scene.

"Now, we must figure out the fastest way to get him out before any more damage is done. The ministry will doubtlessly try to get him out as fast as possible so that they don't get slammed too hard for this, despite-"

Dumbledore was cut off once again, this time from a whooshing in the fireplace and the appearance of Percy Weasley's head.

"Mister Weasley, what can we do for you?" Dumbledore stated calmly.

The rest of the rooms occupants all glared at the youth as he was currently the closest full ministry rep., and thus the easiest person to blame for Harry's situation. Arthur, Tonks and Kingsley were order members so their status was calmly forgotten. Percy had denied the order and sided against his family, which one must admit takes strength since from that stage on, one would be completely alone in the world.

"Professor Dumbledore," The red-head greeted the man before continuing in a formal manner, "I am speaking on behalf of Minister Fudge. Mister Potter is due to be released in a little less then an hour. We feel he would be more comfortable with the transition if some of his friends were there to greet him. Thus, we ask if you and a few individuals you feel would be appropriate for this would please floo through here to the ministry immediately so as we may all apparate to the shores near the island and then make the journey through the pass and towards Azkaban itself."

"Of course Mister Weasley, expect some of us through in a few minutes. Might I ask who will be accompanying us from the ministry?"

"Minister Fudge, Amelia Bones, two upper level Aurors selected at random, and myself." Percy replied shortly.

"Why you?" Ron asked rudely, "You didn't like him before and you certainly weren't loyal, plus you're not exactly a key member of the ministry. You're a scribe and personal assistant for the minister for Merlin's sake."

"I also have legal training Ronald. I am there to supervise the goings on from an unbiased perspective in case legal charges are made as well as to confirm Potter is treated correctly." Percy replied to his brother in an icy tone, "I may not be a key figure in this whole war, but I can play my role."

"Thank you Mister Weasley, we will arrive shortly." Dumbledore headed off the argument.

Percy's head withdrew and immediately there was a clamor of outbursts as almost everyone present tried to get in on this little excursion. The only ones who weren't trying were those who had not personally known Harry, Snape who was just smirking, and Remus who was still not responding, apparently –unlike everyone else- perfectly willing to shoulder the blame for the whole debacle, along with every other thing that had gone wrong in the history of man kind. He had always been fairly emotional so this was no surprise.

"Alright, alright, let's sort through this calmly." Arthur finally stepped in, "Look, who here actually feels they have an intense personal connection to Harry?"

Everyone bar those who hadn't originally volunteered kept their hand up. Arthur frowned at his two eldest sons who grudgingly put their hands back down, followed by Professors Flitwick, Sprout, and Trelawney.

"Okay, now that we have a few less people, who here feels that their presence would be beneficial to Harry at this early stage and that they could handle whatever condition he may be in, as well as what they themselves would have to deal with?" Arthur continued, warming to his role.

Ginny Weasley waved her hand stubbornly until her mother pressed it down and whispered something in her ear which included the word _dementors_. Kingsley brought his hand down, stating that Harry would probably not be pleased to see an Auror since they had been the ones to place him in the prison which immediately caused Tonks to pull out of the running. Professor McGonagall lowered her hand, whispering in an ashamed tone that she didn't want to see him as hurt as he would probably be and would rather help him heal from it. Madam Pomfrey stepped back, realizing she may need to prepare the Hospital Wing for him since it had not been used over the vacation period and she would "be damned to see him end up with some uncaring junior at St. Mungos". She left the room soon after this to prepare supplies.

This left Sirius, who claimed he could handle the dementors, Hermione, Ron, Molly, the twins, and of course Arthur and Dumbledore.

"We cannot take all of you." Dumbledore interrupted Arthur before he could continue, "So we must simply cut the list as brutally as necessary. Molly, I do not think you will truly be able to handle the condition Harry will be in, please suffice with being here to show him love when we arrive back." The woman glared at Albus before storming out of the room to help Poppy. "Fred, George, my dear boys, you must understand that while you care for Harry, there are probably others who knew him better." The twins too looked resentful, but settled in their chairs.

Arthur took back control at this stage.

"I understand that Ron and Hermione would love to see him and make sure he is okay after what happened to him, but if they are coming, I must come too for I'm not sure how much they will be able to handle." He stated stubbornly.

"If you feel that way, I'm sure it would be a good idea for all three of you to come." Dumbledore conceded, "Sirius, I know you care for him, but you have probably hurt him a lot. Are you sure you wish to deal with the dementors when he'll most likely hate you when you arrive? I'm sure he has hoped you would understand due to the similarities between your situations."

The black haired ex-convict flinched but stood strong.

"I need to show him I now know and I'm doing something about it. I know it is not my fault, however he may see it, and I need to let him understand that. I must go Albus." He declared obstinately.

"Well then, the five of us need to leave right away lest the minister and his cohorts leave without us." Dumbledore accepted and made towards the fireplace, grabbing floo powder on his way through.

The five stepped through the flames, Ron and Hermione holding each other for support.

- - - - - -

"Righ' this way Minister Fudge, 'eadmaster Dumbledore, Sir." The guard encouraged the group of ten. The dementors had been moved from this zone, but there were still traces of their presence having been there.

Sirius was shifting his gaze left and right in a pensive manner, Fudge was breathing in stuttered gasps, Arthur, Amelia, Ron, and Percy were shivering, and Hermione had tears running slowly down her face, although she paid them no heed and marched on determinedly. They rounded another corner and all of a sudden the cells they passed had people in them, rather then the empty walls and straw beds they had seen for the past few minutes of their walk. As they walked by, the prisoners began looking up. They passed people they'd never seen, and some familiar faces. It was actually Antonin Dolohov, one of the Death Eaters from the Department of Mysteries a little over a year ago who first began to speak.

"Hey Potter!" He called out, his voice cracking slightly from disuse, "They're coming for you Potter, they're taking you away! Run and hide Potter or they'll let you get the kiss!"

An ugly woman in her mid forties chuckled to herself from their left as they passed.

"Run and hide Potter! We wouldn't want to lose you now." She screamed out in a surprisingly loud voice, making Ron, who was closest flinch away in disgust.

"_Run and hide Potter_!" The off-beat and imbalanced chant was soon taken up by every prisoner along the row. The passed so many people, each one mocking them as they walked through the passageway. Some were so young… so young. A girl no older then thirteen or fourteen hissed at them as they passed, giving no care to her exposed, undernourished body which was revealed as her robe fell open.

"It's the kiss Harry!" She called out in a sing-song, completely childish tone and giggling at them with an almost flirtatious wave to Percy before rejoining the chant.

"How did this happen Cornelius?" Amelia Bones whispered as she stared at the girl who was younger then her niece.

"The anti-terrorism laws Madam Bones. Anyone perceived as a threat or simply baring the dark mark may be imprisoned for a maximum of twelve months before even receiving a trial. The backlog was too great to do anything otherwise while the war was happening and someone that young could easily be overlooked." Fudge replied, looking defensive but yet guilty.

"_Potter's leaving now! Say bye-bye to Potter_!" The familiar voice of Rabastan Lestrange from the cell to the left of the one they knew to be Harry's.

"_Bye-bye Harry Potter_!" The prison chant screeched in compliance and they all began laughing again.

"Hurry, it may be suicide if he thinks he's in for the kiss." Dumbledore commanded ominously. Sirius stumbled before rushing them all on.

They made the last fifty metres in record time, slamming across at the iron barred gate to Harry's cell, prepared to stop the worst from happening. They were a little shocked by what they found instead.

They were just in time to see the last of a high speed whirlwind of smoke disappear into the stone tiles that made up the floor of Harry's accommodation. After that, the cell was devoid of movement. They looked into the cell, stunned.

Along the back wall were the remains of a straw mattress, flattened into a thin mat due to use, with moldy filling poking out the edges. There was a bucket, containing dirty water, and empty plate with a few crumbs remaining. The cell, like all the others stank of human excrement, mostly from a small pit in one corner, but there were portions of the muck around the rest of the cell. On the back wall, the only solid one as opposed to the thick rusted bars which made up the other three, were scratched notes and messages, along with what was clearly a calendar.

"Ah, 'e made those with a chippin' from the bricks 'round the window bars." The guard commented, "'e collected every piece tha' came loose and used them to scratch in'o the wall. Mos' of the pris'ners do it."

The visitors ignored the comment, instead looking at the pale green parchment hovering just on the other side of the bars in front of them. As they all looked at it, the parchment began moving slightly from side to side. As their eyes and eventually heads followed it's ever increasing movements, it began changing its pattern, eventually doing several loop-de-loops as the whole group nodded as one to follow it.

"Oh fer Merlin's sake." The guard muttered and opened the door, snatching the parchment out.

All eleven crowded around, gasping in turn as they reached certain points, depending on their reading speed.

_Dear Ron, 'Mione, Padfoot, Mr. Weasley, Perc, Madam Bones, Fudge, Dumbledore, Mr. Guard, and two random Aurors I don't know,_

_Howdy. I am pleased to see that my planned release from this holiday resort has received such a turn out. Pity you didn't let Mrs. Weasley come Professor Dumbledore; I would have liked to see her sob for her "poor baby boy". Did that comment seem at all familiar to you? It should. _

_In case you are too dense to have realized yet (Ron, I'm talking to you), I heard the meeting you just had a Hogwarts. And Daphne was listening to the one **you** were having Fudge, Madam Bones, and you of course Perc. I must say you did a great job of recanting my recent attempts to improve the attitude here._

_Anyways, as I was saying, "Big Brother is watching you!" Or in this case, "Big Brother and/or Big Sister are watching you!" Yeah… I did go there. You remember Daphne Greengrass? I'd imagine you would after the shit all of you gave her for standing up for me after my incarceration. BTW, I must say I did enjoy watching my trial **from inside my cell and miles away from the event!**_

_(Heh, heh, cough, cough) Sorry about that… I seem to be harboring some resentment towards you all. Except you Perc. You're a pretty cool guy… for a stuck up twat anyway. But you're the nicest stuck up twat I know. Plus, you are the only member of your family that didn't testify about my supposed criminal insanity which automatically puts you on my list of "People I Do Not Need Revenge Against"._

_That list isn't very big, but oh well. The list of "People I Would Like To See Burn In Hell" is **far** longer. Anyway, back to Daphne._

_She supported me due to a **major** favor I did her a while back. Plus she has this whole must-support-true-justice thing going on. Not sure what that's about. So anyways, after listening to your plans, I decided I didn't like you all very much. I'm leaving. You may have noticed by my dear neighbor Mister Lestrange's calls a moment ago. Me and Daffers will be around. We plan on ruining all your lives since we don't like any of you. Professor Snape was pretty much right in his assumptions. I think you are all a bunch of twisted arseholes. _

_See you around y'all! I'll be the one destroying everything you wish for in life (except for you Perc). Oh and BTW Fudge? I'm going to sue the pants off you._

_Ciao!_

_Luke Skywalker_

The group looked at each other, still slightly shocked, trying to see if the others believed what he said. They were interrupted from their attempt at ESP by the RabastanLestrange who chuckled at them.

"You may wish to turn around and look at Daffers' cell." He informed them in a wise tone, surprisingly reminiscent of Dumbledore with a full bowl of lemon drops to back himself up.

The group spun and looked at the cell of the polite but stubborn girl they remembered from Hogwarts. It too was empty and cutting through the air were words, formed purely of bright flames.

_GO FUCK YOURSELVES WITH A CHAINSAW!  
SEE YOU IN HELL BITCHES!_

To put it as politely as possible; the words startled them.

"You know," Rabastan said, "This is only the second time I can remember her cursing in the whole time she was here. On the first day after that mockery of a trial you put her through she quite calmly stated '_shit'_ but this is completely unlike her." The now slightly insane Death Eater chuckled, "Man she must _really_ hate you guys."

Again it was Percy who summed up what they were thinking.

"Yeah, I'd say that's a fairly likely assumption."

- - - - - -

My Azkaban is basically a combination of all my knowledge of Holocaust camps, POW camps, and the prisons in South America during some (but not all) of the coups. This is actually fairly realistic of the conditions many of these people faced (as far as I know. I wasn't there obviously but I've spoken to and interviewed people who were)… although Azkaban has these cool torture creatures instead of the real stuff that has to be operated or set up or whatever. Makes things a lot easier if you're the warden.

**_REVIEW!_** I need the attention! I'm just an overgrown toddler in truth so if you don't want me to throw a tantrum and put all my stories on hiatus, you should probably just give me what I want.


	2. Cries of Outrage

Okay, I would like to now point out that I wrote this chapter before chapter one was published so hopefully it has been posted fairly soon after chapter one (but I may get distracted again… I tend to do that. I think it has something to do with my cordial intake). I hope you all liked it… I was getting sick of Azkaban stories wherein Harry just feels sorry for himself for most of the story and becomes a hermit. My reason being that while he would have due reason to do both of these things, let's face it… a self pitying hermit does not really do much worth writing about. As always, _my_ Harry has attitude (despite the fact that he is yet to say a word in the story… I'm building up background info).

Added note: Thanks for the huge number of reviews! Well... nine is huge for me. _Stop looking at _me(Sobs)! I'm so lonely.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

- - - - - -

**Chapter 2- Cries of Outrage**

_**Our Innocent Sacrifice!**_

_In the wake of our young secondary saviors triumph, we must feel relaxed and joyful, both for ourselves and for the new safety of our world. However, before you begin your celebrations, please take a moment to read this article and understand what our community has done to one who gave us so much. _

_In his last battle, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named felt himself to be the victor, having bested our Neville before. We all now know he was wrong, but his confidence at the time caused him to reveal something to his would be defeater. Feeling there was no way his opposition could win; He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named began gloating about one of his greatest but easiest victories. Harry Potter._

_Now before thinking in disgust of this young man, allow yourself to set aside your preset views and find out what exactly He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was referring to. The self proclaimed Lord gloated to our Neville that he had fooled the world into thinking the Boy-Who-Lived was a murderer. He stated quite clearly under no coercion that he had personally organized the murder of young Justin Finch-Fletchly and Seamus Finnegan and that Harry Potter had been framed. The Minister, being present when our Neville gave this announcement, is doubtlessly even now trying to find a way to make a clear political recovery from this. _

_I ask you as the public to make sure that justice comes to this young man that we all forgot. Show your regret fro what others forced upon him for; although we ourselves could not have known of the situation, it is clear to see that any number of people could have prevented this. Minister Fudge, by allowing a fair trial rather then bowing down to pressure, Head Auror Moody by doing a more thorough and complete investigation. Headmaster Dumbledore who knew the boy so well should have taken the time to think through what he knew of his character and ask himself if he truly thought the boy capable of such a monstrous act, and Harry's friends, who chose to testify against him when they would have doubtlessly been lying about his supposed misdoings. _

_Open your hearts to the boy who first succeeded where so many had failed. Do not let this injustice be buried under history. Keep it fresh in your minds and show the minis-_

"Oh what a load of crock!" Minister Fudge cried, lobbing the newspaper across his office in anger, before even finishing Skeeter's second article.

He'd been relatively pleased with the front page story which depicted the Longbottom boy's heroic battle. The page two spread however was not quite so capable of creating feelings of warmth and security inside him. _Him_ to blame for the boy's imprisonment? Hah!

He got up and stomped towards his liquor cabinet to pour himself a glass of scotch. Gulping it down far quicker then normal, he wandered over to the window to look out at the fake view of the Stonehenge which he had asked to have on his window rather then the realism of Wizarding London. The peaceful and somewhat spiritual image however did nothing to block the noise that was leaking through the silencing charms he usually had up. What he was hearing as a dull murmur must surely be deafening for those outside since these were no weak wards.

With a sigh he tossed his now empty glass back towards the cabinet which shot an arm out at the approaching item, caught it, and sat it down next to the bottle of scotch the Minister had started.

Fudge took a deep breath before tugging on the blinds cord thereby disrupting the false image and the silencing spells. Instantly he was surrounded by screams. Below him, gathered between the shops on Diagon Alley and other nearby streets were several hundred people with more apparating in with every passing second. It was almost impossible to define what was being cried but Fudge was fairly certain the word _Harry_ was being repeated a lot. Grabbing his bowler hat for comfort, he looked once more at the gathering people.

"Bloody hell Rita." He sighed before heading out of his office and down the stairs to try and talk to the crowd below.

- - - - - - - - - -

"What are we going to do Albus?" Sirius' tone was almost pleading as he looked towards the man who had always tried to do well by them, "He blames _us_ for what happened to him. How the hell are we going to make him understand?"

The Hogwarts teachers were all sitting inside Dumbledore's office with as many privacy charms and wards as they could manage so that hopefully "Big Brother and Big Sister" would not be watching them.

"I'm not sure Sirius my boy. I don't exactly know how to fix this except to keep trying."

"Albus, if he truly blames you all, he's going to make your lives hell if you keep trying to interact with him." Severus reminded them. He had had a big cheesy grin plastered on his face ever since Dumbledore had showed the other Hogwarts teachers the note. "I personally recommend leaving him alone until he calms down a little but I guess it's your decision."

"We can't just leave him alone!" Sirius cried, "That's what has happened for the past _year_! Why would he want more time in isolation?"

"Black, he's hardly been alone." Severus rolled his eyes at his childhood nemesis, "He's had the company of several death eaters, a few other random murderers and rapists, some people whom I have no idea why they are locked up, several dementors, plus Miss Greengrass. Not to mention some random less then pleasant visits from some of his ex-friends. From the records the Weasley boy dropped of," Here he flicked open the folder in front of him, "it appears that near the start of his visit he received visits from you, several Weasleys, the Granger girl, Lupin here, your cousin Nymphadora and some of her Auror friends, a few other Order members he probably didn't even recognize, and… oh this is odd." He frowned and flicked a page back and forth, "It appears he received four visits in his first month from the younger Mister Malfoy and at least one visit for every month since then. Either way, going on his current opinion towards most of you I doubt the visits were friendly tea parties in which you all clasped hands and talked about your 'feelings' while in the background a deep voiced man stated _like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives_."

"Severus, does it say what his visits with Draco Malfoy were about?" Minerva McGonagall asked, looking startled.

"No, it just states the length of each visit and from what it says here, each visit bar one was at least an hour long… sometimes two. The short one was fifty eight minutes." The school's potion master looked up at the table's occupants, "Does anyone here actually _know_ what's been happening with Mister Malfoy since his mother pulled him out of Hogwarts last November?"

"No actually." Dumbledore frowned, "He's barely been seen in public. The Ministry brought him in for questioning in March but he denied being a Death Eater and did not have the Dark Mark so he was released again. I do not think anyone recognized him at the final battle and Alastor would have told me if an underage person had been one to fall comatose. He will be seventeen on the fourth of August if memory serves. Of course, he could have fallen unconscious elsewhere and is yet to be found but we will know soon enough. The Department of Mysteries is even now working on a spell to summon all bodies possessing the dark mark. His father is now dead, having been in the inner circle but I'm not sure where his mother is."

"Downstairs actually," Madam Pomfrey informed them as she walked in the door, "That's what I came to tell you. She's come to you for help since apparently at roughly the same time as Harry vanished from Azkaban, Mister Malfoy suddenly swore loudly and literally vanished in a puff of smoke right in the middle of the fancy 'Yay my husband is DEAD!' dinner Lady Malfoy was holding."

"How on earth did you get in here Poppy?" Dumbledore asked, completely astounded that his school nurse managed to get through the charms he'd laid.

"The door was unlocked," She shrugged, "Plus there was an amplifying charm loud enough that the centaurs in the forest probably heard every word you all just uttered."

"… I guess that puts a dampener on your earlier gloating session about how no one could destroy your wards 'ey Albus?" Severus finally broke the silence (although privately impressed that Harry and Daphne could manipulate the wards 'long distance').

- - - - - - - - - -

"Lady Malfoy, I am so sorry for your loss." Dumbledore began, only just remembering in time that this woman had recently lost her husband.

It was easy to get distracted considering Lady Malfoy was wearing a fluorescent pink skirt and a white, low cut, slightly damp tank top. It was clear that her 'Yay my husband is DEAD' party had not been in formal settings.

"Don't be. He was an idiot." She brushed off the comment before getting down to business, "Draco has been keeping in constant contact with both Mister Potter and Miss Greengrass. He was good friends with the girl while they were both still here at Hogwarts but I am not certain of his motivation for continuing to associate with Mister Potter." She leant forward a little causing the headmasters gaze to travel slightly lower then her face to her now almost entirely revealed assets, "I want you to find my son Headmaster Dumbledore."

Dumbledore blinked twice and shook himself a little.

"I'm afraid I really don't have the time or resources to do that Lady Malfoy." He informed her in his best 'saddened tone', "Mister Malfoy is no longer a student here, nor was he _ever_ on the same side as myself and my associates during the recent war which means I cannot justify to either financial backers, the workers who would be needed to look for him, or even myself a good reason to begin this search."

Narcissa smirked dangerously and rose elegantly to her feet.

"How about the fact that my son kept a magical recording of all his meetings with both of your incarcerated youths and if you would be so _kind_ as to sign a binding contract stating that you will do your best to find my son, I would thus decide that such delicate merchandise would be far safer here at Hogwarts then in my manner." She sighed, "Now, I haven't watched them myself… I just don't have the time in between everything these days but I'm sure there would be some information you and your colleagues would find _very_ useful in the search you are currently conducting for Mister Potter."

"How did you know that?"

"What, that the boy is also missing or that you are searching for him?" She laughed almost mockingly, "I did not have a happy marriage Headmaster and as such I found it necessary to look outside my home for… entertainment. I found such entertainment with a young Auror… only twenty eight, who made a few mistakes and as such now holds a job as one of the guards in Azkaban… from memory he accidentally blew up Minister Fudge's pet Billywig. He firecalled me about forty minutes ago with the news." She grinned almost childishly, "Now, Ms Skeeter has been so kind as to inform the world of Mister Potter's innocence and as such I'm sure you and your friends here are feeling mighty guilty about the whole thing and as such are certainly searching for him even as we speak."

"_Damn_ she's good." Severus whispered to Poppy from where they were both eavesdropping.

"Quiet Mister" Poppy hissed back before returning her attention to the battle before them.

"Alright Lady Malfoy, I assume you have a copy of that contract here?" Dumbledore sighed out and took the offered document, "I will have it returned to you by the end of the day."

"Why thank you Headmaster Dumbledore," She gushed smoothly and then turned her head to the side, "Severus," she called, "It is really not polite to eavesdrop and… why Poppy, I expected so much more from you."

Far away from the scene a black haired boy laughed aloud and turned to his blonde companion.

"Draco, your mother is _awesome_."

- - - - - - - - - -

That is all for this installment folks. I apologize but the first chapter was longer then average anyway. They'll be both longer and shorter in future. Next chapter: Harry, Daphne, and Draco's big number. Well... not big number because they won't be singing but at least they'll have an actual part longer then one line or a letter.

Reviews make my hands nimble and speedy which makes typing a hell of a lot easier. Just something to think about there.


	3. And So it Begins

Authors Notes: Chapter 3. Enjoy, review, whatever. Umm, please be nice, I'm nice to you aren't I? Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate.

Chapter 3: And So it Begins

When Harry James Potter was arrested and relocated to Azkaban, everyone in the wizarding world was outraged. Not because he'd been arrested, but because they'd trusted him so entirely. In the Muggle world however, no one particularly cared. They all had their own worries, whether they were political, social, economical, or as simple as being slightly pissed off that the neighbors had _again_ parked in front of the driveway. None however possessed as much rage as the Rothemans.

Mr. and Mrs. Rotheman had woken up on the very day of Harry's arrest, to discover a disaster. Three years ago, upon their retirement, they had purchased a large mansion near a beach in the Bahamas. They had lived here quite peacefully… until now. Directly in front of their property, immediately between them and the beach, someone had staked out plans for a new home. Their worries were increased a few weeks later once the foundations had been completed when they realized that (if the depth of the foundations were any indication) the structure was going to be bigger then their own home.

Over the course of a year they tried everything. They sued, they conducted a protest, they organized a neighborhood watch service, they bribed councilmen, they sabotaged the builders efforts, everything. Nothing they did succeeded though and on the 31st of July, pretty much exactly one year after the beginning of construction, twenty three year old Hamish Partridge and his twenty one year old fiancé Diana Griffins pulled up separately in a C3 Pluriel and a Mini Cooper Cabrio and soon began directing the removalists with clear instructions as to where to place each item of furniture from the three large trucks which had pulled up after them. A few hours later their close friend (who the Rothemans later learned was planning on living with them for several months) Drew Morton pulled up in a taxi and leapt out to great both new residents with startling enthusiasm.

At the end of the day, the Rothemans watched as all three cheerfully waved goodbye to the removalists and disappeared out of sight. After a bit of wandering around on Mr. Rotheman's part, they soon knew that the three were relaxing on their front deck overlooking the beach, talking quietly.

Over the course of a few days, the Rothemans got used to their new neighbors and their occasional idiosyncrasies such as the broom they put in a display cabinet, or the mounted television screens which seemed to show a constant video of an animation designed to look like a portrait of some form. They knew these things because the day after they moved in, Diana came to visit the Rothemans to apologize for any inconvenience their home's location may have caused and to invite them over to see the interior of the newest house in the district, well before any on else from the neighborhood got the chance. Mrs. Rotheman, being a complete socialite, was quite naturally delighted by this and over the course of a few short hours, she and Diana became good friends and could often be seen together along the beach.

So, after a couple of weeks, life settled back into a rut. The Rothemans were after all amongst the world's richest retirees and as such, if a young couple came and built a huge mansion in front of theirs, they could always add a tower to their own mansion, thus proving themselves better. Besides, they had a bigger yacht. Life in the Bahamas was truly a lot more simplistic then other places.

- - - - - -

21st August

"Albus it's been three weeks! Why haven't you found them yet?" Fudge slammed his fist down on the desk of Albus Dumbledore while the man himself sat as calmly as he could and looked out at the rooms occupants.

They had been searching non stop since the disappearance of the three youths and as of yet, they had seen no signs of them. It had not taken them long to figure out that the three couldn't possibly see everything with their long distance spying abilities and must just be watching important events. Thus, if they made sure that more then three groups always went out, they had a chance that one would be able to sneak up unawares. They were all fairly certain that this particular meeting was being monitored. After all, the rooms occupants included Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Percy Weasley, and (as the leaders of the five main search parties) Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Arthur Weasley, Minerva McGonagall, and Alastor Moody. Harry would have to be mad not to be interested in how this meeting went. It probably helped that he would realize that Severus and Poppy were once again using their eavesdropping abilities and this time had been joined by Narcissa who was their coincidently to heckle Albus but had decided eavesdropping was more interesting.

"Cornelius, please calm yourself, this is not beneficial in any way, shape, or form." Albus began but was unsurprisingly interrupted by Sirius Black.

"How can you expect anyone to be calm?" He shrieked waving his arms about girlishly, "My godson has gone missing! After this ordeal he would already be suffering from a load to emotional distress and this isolation cannot be helping!"

"Let's all try to be rational here." Alastor said, "We've all read his letter, we all know how powerful he is, what are the chances really that he's sitting around crying his little heart out ands moping because none of us are there to comfort him? Is anyone else thinking that's not really in his nature?"

Sirius spluttered momentarily before calming down.

"Good point." He muttered, "Harry is like James in many ways and he probably loves that we're all so worried about him."

"Look, we only have a few weeks left to search before term starts." Minerva began, "Why don't we just keep looking and put notices in the papers asking that anyone with information or who has seen him sends us a letter?"

"Great idea Minerva," Albus looked at her gratefully for actually contributing a rational suggestion, something that was yet to happen in any of these meetings, "Percy!"

Percy looked up from his note taking (he was the official scribe) in surprise as he was addressed. He was obviously unhappy to be here, much preferring to be doing something useful within the ministry rather then sit around taking notes on people arguing over three seventeen year olds.

"Yes Sir?" He raised an eyebrow in unspoken amusement over the whole thing.

"Percy, when you get the chance would you please write out a letter to be printed in the Daily Prophet asking people to come forward on information about Harry?"

"And Miss Greengrass and Mister Malfoy I presume." Percy prompted.

"Yes of course." Albus looked slightly uncomfortable, having been caught out.

"I will do so as soon as I return to my office Sir." Percy replied.

Percy had been promoted a week ago to Legal Representative for Underage Victims and Offenders. This position had never before existed. Percy had suggested it, having recently finished his legal training (he studied throughout his internship with first Crouch and now Fudge) and it had been decided that he would fill the much needed role. He still assisted the Minister in visits such as this one but was finding he had less and less time to do so as he found just how many children and young adults he was now required to assist. The letter however was clearly his responsibility as Harry was both an offender and a victim and was underage at the time of his arrest.

Outside the room Severus, Poppy and Narcissa quickly leapt back from the door and into a shadowed corner as several individuals marched purposefully toward the room.

"Sweet Merlin." Severus murmured, "The castle is being taken over by red heads.

"Albus!" Molly screeched as she shoved the door open, "Why haven't you found my baby boy yet?"

The rooms occupants looked on in shock as Molly marched forward, followed by Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny, along with Fleur, Neville, and Hermione. They stopped a few metres into the room and looked around. All were doing their best to appear determined and foreboding.

"Molly, we are all doing our best-" Arthur began but she cut him off with a glare. Unbeknown to them all, the three eavesdroppers had now returned to the other side of the door and were grinning to themselves as they watched most of the rooms occupants ease away from the irate woman nervously.

"Doing you _best_?" Molly started again dangerously, "You've been searching for three weeks and now, once my companions and I decided to try looking for him ourselves, we have found more then you have done in this entire time… in the past three hours!"

"I- I'm sorry?"

"Look," Bill stepped forward, "You lot were doing such a piss poor job that we decided to team up and have a look at things."

"We think to ourselves, _hey, the search parties consist of intelligent people, they've probably looked in most logical places, let's get the information they've already got_." George continued, "So we decide to do what we assume was your first step and see if Harry's bank account has been accessed in the past few weeks."

"So we all head over to Gringotts," Hermione continued in a singsong voice like she was telling a story to small children, "Thinking that you would have already been which would make it easy for us to find what we were looking for. But guess what we discovered?"

"First we learnt that not _one_ of you thought to look there." Ginny shouted at them, "Do you all have cabbage for brains? He's obviously left the country. Wouldn't you think he'd need finances to be hidden for this long?"

"_Then_ we learnt that Harry has indeed been making financial movements. The largest of which has been the purchase of a large piece of property in the Bahamas and the construction costs on the area." Fred glared at them all, "These costs were almost surpassed by the huge amount he then spent on furnishings but not quite."

"Honestly." Charlie threw his hands up in the air dramatically, "You've been accessing his funds for the past three weeks to help pay for the search teams and for assorted running costs in rebuilding after the war, didn't it occur to you to check if he was accessing his own funds?"

"Wait a moment." Percy looked up furiously as outside all three gasped in shock, "Do you mean to tell me that you've all been pilfering from Harry Potters bank accounts?"

"Percy," Fudge turned to him, "We've only been using it to find the boy. I think we are entitled to use his money to assure his own safety."

"And the money used for the post-war effort?" Percy queried in a dangerous tone.

"Before his imprisonment Harry was very active on the light side of the war." Dumbledore rationalized, "We are certain he wouldn't protest to contributing to its recovery work."

"Are you all mad?" Percy cried, "What you've done is illegal on so many levels. It is my _job_ to make sure you don't abuse this boy's legal rights and you've now informed me that you have all done just that!"

"We're trying to help Harry Perc." George said scornfully, "More then you've ever done. Who asked you anyway?"

"Oh I do not believe this." Percy muttered packing up his gear, "Dumbledore, I will write your letter up and have it ready for tomorrow morning's paper. I am going to try and contact Mister Potter and inform him of all this. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll all have to pay back every penny. _With_ interest. Good day."

"Is anyone else here thinking that those were the most clichéd final words ever?" Narcissa questioned her two companions after Percy had stormed passed them.

Inside the room there was a momentary silence before they all got back to business.

"You say he's built a house in the Bahamas?" Remus confirmed, pulling out some parchment and a quill to take notes.

"Yes, apparently someone has been acting on his behalf to get things going since the day he got arrested." Molly replied getting down to business as Ron handed out papers with the details to everyone in the room, "Hermione used the fellytone to call the real-estate agent to find out who it was and all descriptions we got pointed towards the Malfoy boy. I'm worried that this is an elaborate trap that has been set up to get to Harry. There is no other reason why two Slytherins would do this much for him."

"Two?" Minerva asked.

"The two we're talking of are Malfoy and the Greengrass girl." Ginny sniffed, "Obviously using him for some means. They can't care for him as much as we do."

"Can we go and get him now that we've got his address?" Sirius asked eagerly.

"I'm afraid not my boy," Albus sighed, "Going on this information," He held up the papers, "He's selected an area that is mostly used by individuals and couples at a retirement age. The usual residents are the richest of the rich. They've made the whole thing into a private estate that is inaccessible unless you live there or are specifically invited. Both Muggles and wizarding folk use it so, unless we want to get ourselves thrown in prison, we can't try and enter the area to recover him."

"Albus, I have to get back to work." Alastor said getting up, "And I'm sure the Minister here has better things to do then discuss a seventeen year old boy with a desperate need for an attitude adjustment."

"Yes, I too must get back to the Ministry." Fudge pulled himself up with a pained groan, "Albus, I am sure Weasley will post that letter so when do you want us to meet again?"

"I'm going to set up a directional devise so all owls will go to the Great Hall." Albus started, "So, what if we simply meet in the Entrance Hall at eleven?"

"That should work." Fudge nodded to them all and made his way out followed by Alastor who made a point to nod at the three eavesdroppers on his way out. Magical eyes can be very useful if used properly.

"Albus, we know where he is now. Do we really need to get assistance from the public?" Remus turned to their mentor who nodded gravely.

"If they know he's missing, they may send tips about where they've seen him. He's not going to just stay in the one place the whole time. Also, if someone who lives on the estate or is visiting there reads the paper, they may be able to talk to him and tell him how much we need to speak to him. I am certain he is not intentionally avoiding us. Harry is too kind hearted to intentionally cause us this much heart ache."

"I suppose you're right Albus." Arthur nodded and headed for the fireplace, "Come one kids, let's get back to the Burrow. When Harry gets back he'll need somewhere to stay so let's set up another room for him back home."

"Dad, we really can't fit another room on the end. The structure is unsound as it is." Bill protested but his father had already flooed back to their house.

"Everyone, let's get back to work." Albus spoke to the teachers who remained, "We only have a week and four days to be prepared for the students' return."

"Shit he's right." Severus cursed, "Come on Poppy, until later Narcissa."

"Toodles." The widow replied distractedly before starting up a conversation with herself, "Now, do I still want to bother the bumblebee or should I go home? Hmm, there _is_ that new singles bar in Diagon Alley. Yes, I do believe Dumbledore can wait." She smiled to herself and wandered off down the corridor, remarkably remaining unseen by the three teachers and headmaster as they exited the room.

- - - - - -

"Aaaarggh!" Harry screamed as he broke the connection, "Those bastards are taking my money!"

"Harry? Sweet? Are you okay?" Daphne asked cautiously as she watched him throw what could only be described as a temper tantrum.

"No I'm not okay! Do you realize what they've done?"

"Of course I realize what they've done Harry I'm not deaf." She said calmly, "Draco, how did this happen? I thought you said they wouldn't be able to access Harry's account after his release?"

"I thought they'd feel too guilty after they took his money while they thought he was a murderer." Draco replied sheepishly, "I really wasn't expecting them to apply this much false logic. It doesn't matter, as the weasel said, there is no way they can get away with not paying the whole sum back once Harry informs them that he truly couldn't care less that the Ministry cafeteria needed rebuilding."

"Darn right." Harry pouted, "They will pay for this. Daphers, Draco, the revenge starts _now_."

"Whatever Harry." Daphne dismissed the comment and returned to her book.

"Daphne, how can you not be excited by this?" Harry practically wailed, "You've been asking for weeks when we're going to start dishing out punishments."

"I figured you'd be so pissed about this thing you'd take revenge by yourself and that we'd work together on the next one." Daphne explained.

"Actually, I thought you could decide on the first one… provided I get to pick who it is."

"Really?" Daphne whispered hopefully.

Harry nodded.

Daphne squealed.

"Thank-you Harry!" She leapt up and gave him a hug, "Who are we going for?"

"Well, the Weasleys just told them where we're living so I figured we could start with that."

"Coolies." Daphne calmed down again, "I thought we'd start with simple stuff they can't bring back to us. How about we go with what the oldest weasel suggested. That house is really not structurally sound and I doubt they thought to get a building permit for all those extensions." She grinned wickedly, "An anonymous complaint to the local wizard council should get a building inspector out there in record time."

"The fines for something _that_ unsafe and _that_ overdeveloped would have to be massive." Harry murmured in awe, a smirk forming over his face in a decidedly Malfoy fashion.

"That's what I thought. And since Draco is going to cut all of their access to your funds… you are going to aren't you Draco? Good. Anyway, since they won't have that anymore, this could truly bankrupt them unless they all get well paying positions and the young ones get summer jobs."

"Arthur will have to go into one of the Departments he hates instead of the fun ones." Harry laughed suddenly, "If Percy asks Fudge nicely, Arthur may end up working for his own son."

Conversation stopped at this point to allow time for rounds of evil laughter.

"You're both bloody mad." Draco muttered before leaving to secure Harry's accounts.

- - - - - -

"Where are the Weasleys?" Dumbledore asked the group who met up in the Entrance Hall the next day, drawing a glare from Percy for his non inclusion in the family name.

"They're having some legal issues with their house." Fudge informed them straightening his waistcoat, "I'm sure Arthur will be along whenever he can."

"And Alastor?"

"He said he had better things to do then answer mail."

"I see, well then let's get started." Dumbledore turned and walked over to the double doors to the Great Hall. Pushing them open he was instantly surrounded by a whirlwind of owls.

The noise was deafening as over four hundred owls clamored to be the first relieved of their burden.

"Ho-ly shit!" Alastor exclaimed quietly from his hidden position with Severus, Poppy, and Narcissa.

"We told you this was the place to be." Poppy murmured.

"Alright, let's start working through this." Dumbledore sighed and he, Fudge, Percy, Minerva, Sirius, and Remus started forward to grab owls.

Several hours later, they were yet to find a decent lead. They had received useless spottings, lies, around forty people had claimed to have seen him as he "walked" out of Azkaban, and so far they had received sixteen howlers about how Harry had been treated by the Hogwarts community. They had started burning every red envelope they came across, willing to risk missing leads in order to protect their ears

Finally Remus came across a large blue envelope. We started to open it when it exploded, revealing yet another howler.

"HELLO ALL! I KNOW WHERE I AM! AREN'T I SMART? ANYWAYS, I JUST THOUGHT I'D LET YOU KNOW THAT I'M SAFE AND SO ARE DAPHNE AND DRACO. NOT THAT YOU _CARE _ABOUT THOSE TWO BUT HEY, EVERYONE LOVES RANDOM INFORMATION RIGHT?"

The letter exploded leaving a stunned Remus who was not quite certain his hearing would ever recover. Sirius looked at him in sympathy. If he didn't know better he'd say Harry had intentionally made it so the Lycanthrope would be the one to find his letter, but that was impossible.

Unless you were Harry Potter of course.

Remus' find must have set off some sort of trigger because sudden they were all finding the important messages.

Minerva was next.

"MINNIE!" Came the voice of a seeming delighted Daphne, "I JUST _KNEW_ YOU'D BE THE ONE TO FIND MY LETTER. GOSH ISN'T THIS EXCITING? HOW COME YOU GUYS DON'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I'M MISSING? DON'T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE HARRY? I- I- I-" Her voice turned into deafening sobs, "YOU'RE ALL SO _MEAN_! WHY DON'T YOU CARE?" Almost instantly her voice became cheerful again, "I GOTTA GO NOW. ME AND HARRY ARE GOING SCUBER DIVING. TOODLES!"

"She stole my line!" Narcissa whispered, completely outraged.

"I'm sure you'll survive."

"Hello cousin." Draco's voice was soon heard in a slightly quieter, but certainly dryer voice once Sirius had split open his envelope, "I you would be _so_ kind as to vacate my property I would be most obliged. You see, I've recently discovered that my darling Great Aunt left Grimmauld Place to _me_. Now, while I do not blame you for being confused, after all, we all thought the will Dumbledore found was the real one, I would appreciate it if you would get prepared to hand over the property, all my assets, and rent for the time you used it without my permission. Technically though, Dumbledore should pay the rent as his signature is on the deed as caretaker of the property. That's all."

They all sat in silence as, with the explosion of the final letter into the shape of a large snake made of smoke, all the other owls squawked in fear and exited the hall at top speed.

"Albus? Would you care to explain?" Sirius asked in a sickly sweet voice.

"Not particularly." Dumbledore murmured before straightening up to begin what promised to be a longwinded and ultimately illogical explanation as to why he'd forged old Mrs. Black's will.

- - - - - -

Enjoy the holiday season! This is my gift to you. Now how about you give me a review? That would be nice don't you think? It doesn't even cost anything.


	4. Cassie

_**Bedlamite**_

Once again I am so very grateful for all the reviews I have been receiving, they make it a lot easier to judge what is working and what isn't. I am working to update all my stories at the moment and I should have updates for all of them coming all through January. In reference to the person who asked about the lengths of the chapters (I think I replied to that review or PM or whatever it was but I thought I should put this here because it was a valid point), yes I realize these are shorter then those in Abandon Ship, but this is the way they are working. They may get longer but at the moment I'm happy with them at this length. Lastly, I am currently looking for someone to beta this story. NATWEST is already beta-ing Abandon Ship but I was wondering if anyone felt they wanted to do that for this story. Review or PM me with your email address if you do wish to give it a shot.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

- - - - - -

**Chapter 4- Cassie**

26th August

"Albus I cannot take much more of this." Minerva finally snapped, startling all the other teachers seated around the head table.

It had been four days since the owls had first arrived and they'd yet to stop. Every morning at breakfast which Dumbledore insisted continue in the Great Hall over a hundred owls flocked in and instantly mobbed all the teachers, each trying to be the first to have their letter read. So far Professor McGonagall had remained quiet about the issue even while every other teacher protested relentlessly. Today however, she had finally had enough.

"Why Minerva, surely a few owls cannot be disturbing you too greatly," Dumbledore looked startled, "After all, this is all to help one of our students, one of your Gryffindors to be exact."

"And two of my Slytherins I'd have you remember." Professor Snape automatically reminded him.

"Of course."

"Albus I'm all for helping Mister Potter but can you not do this in a more sensible manner?" Minerva continued plaintively, "You know where the boy is for Merlin's sake, why don't you just get permission from the Ministry to go retrieve him? Who knows what three seventeen year olds could be getting up to in this time; surely they've done _something_ which requires their removal from the estate."

"Unfortunately no," Dumbledore sighed, "The local Ministry in that area have a more lax code of conduct that need be followed. Not to mention that Miss Greengrass apparently has all the local enforcers wrapped around her little finger."

"Either way, since you know where they are, do you really need this open public tip off system?"

The aging Headmaster took his time finishing his mouthful before dabbing his mouth with a napkin, pushing his chair back and standing in preparation to leave the room. He was almost out the door when he seemed to remember he'd been asked a question and turned around to face his staff.

"I suppose you are right Minerva, I will send a letter to the papers to be posted with thanks to everyone who sent information, but that they are no longer required.

"Thank Merlin." Professor Flitwick muttered having been a well sized target for the owls to play with while they waited. Professor Sprout patted him on the back sympathetically while the other teachers began to make their way out of the hall toward their offices to continue preparing for the new term.

- - - - - -

"Damnit!" Harry shouted, startling Draco who was reading nearby.

"Aw what's the matter sweetie?" Daphne asked, her voice filled with false sympathy, "Are your victims not abiding by the rules they've yet to be informed of? Oh you poor thing. How will you manage through this disrespect?"

"Hah bloody hah. Don't you get it? Now we have to cancel my most wonderful letters."

"Well, not necessarily." Draco said as though thinking out loud.

"I'm listening."

"Well, you know that little girl Daphne knows from down the beach who just received her Hogwarts letter?"

"Cassie?" Daphne looked surprised, "What does she have to do with this?"

"Well, what if she wanted to go to school a few days early as a sort of courier?"

"I like where this is going." Harry slapped his hands on his thighs, "So we strap a bomb to her and she sends all our troubles sky high. Perfect!"

"Harry, no plotting the deaths of eleven year olds!" Daphne scolded in a tired voice as though this was a regular discussion, "It's unethical and makes us hypocritical in our whole aim of not letting innocents get hurt."

"Sorry Daphne."

"Well, how about instead of bombs, we send her in with your 'most wonderful letters' and have her deliver them along with some more personalized messages. Then we can ask her to spend the few days before term starts doing everything she can to annoy them." Draco continued, ignoring their bickering.

"And _then_ she blows them up?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Harry, what did I just say?"

"Sorry Mum."

"Start running mister." Daphne ground out.

- - - - - - - - - -

28th August

"Ah, sweet relief." Severus sighed and leant back in his seat.

After Dumbledore's letter had been published the day before there had only been a few letters, mostly from people who forgot to buy the paper that day and thought they'd seen Harry Potter buying strawberries at the local greengrocer. This morning however, they'd almost finished breakfast and as yet, there had only been regular mail. Everyone was already blessing every deity they knew for this small reprieve, even Sirius and Remus, despite their disappointment that this portion of the Harry search had been shut down. Sirius was just questioning Minerva about a new assessment system she had incorporated in the fourth year written tests when someone knocked quietly on the main doors.

Everyone was instantly on their feet with wands drawn. Since all staff members were present and there were no visitors scheduled for today, the warning alarms really should have indicated someone had entered the castle before they'd reached the Great Hall. Everyone was silent waiting for something to happen.

As they listened they could hear someone shuffling their feet before they heard a child sneeze and then another knock, this time more insistent.

"Come in." Dumbledore finally called when nothing further happened.

There was yet more silence before the door handle turned and a small girl who looked to be only about nine years old entered the hall. She had two reddish plaits that fell to her waist and she was dressed in a black smock, grey under-skivvy, and purple tights. She had a satchel across one shoulder that appeared to hold several rolls of parchment. The girl looked at all the teachers standing at the Head Table with wands drawn and appeared to rethink her decision to enter the hall. She seemed to pull herself together though and nervously began making her way between the tables towards where they all stood.

The girl carefully climbed up onto the platform and pulled a folded piece of parchment out of her bag.

"Ah hi," She started out carefully watching their expressions, "My name's Cassandra DeGette, I go this letter from an owl a few weeks back that said to come here-"

With these words Professor Sprout visibly relaxed and, forgetting that this girl had just silently bypassed their wards, began making her way toward her.

"Miss DeGette, sweetheart, I'm afraid you're a few days early for the start of the term." She said kindly, "Now if you'll tell me where you live we'll get you back home and you can come back to visit us again on the first of September. That's the _first_ of September dear. Do you think you can remember that?"

While Pomona had been telling her this, the girl, Cassandra had refolded the letter, put it back in the satchel and was now staring at the Herbology teacher with a raised eyebrow.

"What, did you just assume I didn't know what day it was and I'd just showed up randomly?" She began scathingly, "Do I _look_ that stupid? What kind of bloody moron would just up and decide to make their way into the middle of bloody Scotland for god's sake?" She sighed dramatically, "I can see I've got my work cut out for me." She continued, drawing a finger along the edge of one of the chairs as though inspecting for dust, "Mister Harry sent me here to deliver some messages and to do some work on this joint to make sure the facility is up for the job of teaching all the underage witches and wizards in Britain."

"I- I'm sorry?" Pomona stuttered out.

"Move woman!" Cassie snapped at her, pushing past to get to Professor Dumbledore, "You! I understand you are in charge of running this godforsaken place. As such, I have several messages for you." She hopped up on the edge of the table and smiled sweetly at him, the very picture of innocence, "Mister Harry said to tell you I'm your new charity case." She sang out in a sickly sweet voice, "I'm Cassie. My parents are alive and kicking, they are already multimillionaires… thus why I live near Mister Harry in the Bahamas," She added to Filius as though passing on a juicy piece of gossip before turning back to Dumbledore, "_And_ the profits of their business empire rise by about seventeen percent every year. They work with both the Muggle and the wizarding worlds and my home life is happy and healthy. I have two older siblings who study at Beauxbaxtons and Salem, and my younger brother just turned six. Mister Harry said to tell you he nominated me to take over his role because there is basically no way you can screw up with me."

"Did you say Harry?" Sirius gasped out, "As in Harry Potter?"

Cassie spun round to face him and again raised her eyebrow.

"No _duh_." She replied scornfully, "How many other Harrys are there in the wizarding world which I could refer to with only the use of a first name and just assume you knew of?" She leant forward in mock anticipation, "Oh, I can see the cogs turning here… it's coming to him… and the answer is for one million dollars… None! Oh he's done it!" She leapt off the table and ran in a large loop around the whole group before stopping and kneeling on the floor before the stunned man, "All hail the greatness of Sirius Black! The one and only true genius!"

"See? She acknowledges it." Sirius turned to Remus in triumph, unable to _not_ use this moment.

"Oh jeez." Cassie muttered, "Look losers, I've got some letters for you all… not howlers," She confirmed as they all started to look nervous just remembering Harry and Co's last try at communication, "Which I will give to you this evening but at the moment, I really need a nap." She looked at all of them as though sizing them up before focusing on Professor McGonagall, "Excuse me Professor?" She looked falsely shy.

"Yes Miss DeGette?" Minerva asked, straightening into her true teacher form.

"I- I don't have anywhere to sleep and Mister Harry promised I'd end up in Gryffindor so…" She smiled up at the now softening Deputy Headmistress, "I was wondering if I could stay with you until term starts? I could just sleep on a couch or something; I don't take up much room since I'm pretty small for my age."

The other teachers could not help but roll their eyes as they watched the usually stern Scotswoman look down at the girl with an expression that clearly translated to "aaawwww, you're so sweet, I could just dunk you in my coffee".

"Of course you can sweetie; you can stay in my spare room." Minerva gushed, wrapping her arm around the girl and hustling her out of the room.

Once out the door Minerva cast a levitation spell on the trunks that Cassie had apparently left there and was prepared to continue back to her quarters but was stopped by the girl.

"Umm, why is there a pretty blonde lady and a one legged man hiding in the corner?" She asked in confusion.

"Their two usual companions are still at breakfast and they've got nothing better to do with their time but listen in on other people's lives and pretend that one day they too can interact socially." Minerva explained before tossing a glare at the two eavesdroppers and continuing down the hall.

"I resent that." Narcissa whispered to Moody, "I have a social life. I am the Queen of social lives. Honestly, I'm the late wife of Lucius Malfoy. I have had to have a social life or else I would have been driven mad and thus died by a combination of wine, caviar and too much sex."

"Doesn't sound like a bad way to go." Alastor murmured.

"Then you have clearly never slept with Lucius Malfoy." Narcissa justified his opinion, "The man is like some sort of lifeless fish. Just on, off, and sleep."

"I really didn't need to know that, and especially without that particular mental image to accompany it." Alastor informed her with a revolted look on his face, "Please remember I visited the man almost weekly during his stint in Azkaban. I've seen him at his worst moments… appearance wise at least. Mentally, I'd never seen him better."

"You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to hang around with me, Severus, and Poppy." Narcissa shrugged, "We were like the three musketeers and you're now like… the fourth… musketeer."

"Have you been drinking?" Moody questioned as he stared at her.

"Maybe just a teensy bit." Narcissa admitted.

"It's nine thirty in the morning."

"Uh huh. Your point being what exactly Mister 'Personal Flask'?"

* * *

And thus finishes chapter four. I appologize to those of you who wanted a big 'revenge' scene that was a little more original, but this is what I decided on quite a while ago. The whole thing really starts with chapter five. These first four chapters were somewhat of a developmental introduction. 

Please review and I'll love you forever.

Finally, I'll repeat once more that if anyone wishes to beta this story, please send me a PM with an email address.


	5. Havoc and Mayhem

_**Bedlamite**_

Ola. This story is (as of now) beta-ed by Suiadan. Thanks to those of you who offered. By now you should all have received a message explaining my decision but if you haven't it is probably due to the weird time delay the alert system was going through which caused me to lose track of who I'd replied to and who I'd missed. The same applies to unanswered reviews but if you let me know that I've missed you, I'll go back to your message and give you a reply. As I was saying, Suiadan has agreed to beta this story so you should thank him for the lack of typos and spelling errors and whatnot. Any remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

- - - - - -

**Chapter 5- Havoc and Mayhem**

28th August

For the rest of the morning after Cassie's arrival, the castle was in uproar. The majority of the teachers spent a few hours trying to figure out how she had gotten through the wards, then they spent their next few hours trying to figure out how Harry had gotten her through the wards. Severus, as the only teacher besides Minerva who was not in on this whole quest for knowledge, spent his morning trying to figure out how much Potter was paying this girl to be here, what she was going to do, and whether he himself was on the list. Later, in a private firecall to Narcissa who had gotten bored and headed home, he decided it was a good thing that all the teachers, himself included, had been so distracted. His reasoning being that with the stress the past few days had brought, what with the owls, Howlers, and occasional Weasley coming through to beg Dumbledore to assist them in paying the massive fine the building inspector had insisted on, he thought that none of them could truly have coped with knowing what Harry, Draco and Daphne had decided to do in their free time that day. As the wizarding world discovered on the 28th of August that year, even abandoned boy wonders get bored.

- - - - - -

Cornelius Fudge had been in a meeting with a Gringotts executive when he first got wind that something was up. He had turned to see Percy's replacement, a young graduate called Cho, trying to get his attention through the glass screen he had asked to be installed a few years ago so that he could always see what was going on outside. The girl already knew never to interrupt him in 'money meetings' unless it was urgent so he apologized to the goblin and hurried to let her through as soon as the irritated creature had passed through the fireplace.

"Minister," the girl gasped out before halting, seemingly unsure of how to continue. She shook it off and did her best to explain, "Auror Shacklebolt just rushed by to try and see you. I said you were busy so he left a message, but I thought you ought to hear this immediately."

"Did Dumbledore send him by?" Fudge looked worried. He had known of Kingsley's connection to the order for a bit under a year after he and Dumbledore had finally agreed to work together in the war.

"Ah, no. I thought it was important because it has to do with Harry Potter and you said he was top priority."

"… Well?" Fudge rolled his eyes in exasperation, "What's the boy done? Have we brought him in yet?"

"No Minister…" Cho seemed flustered, "But apparently he thought to stop by and visit us."

"I'm sorry?"

"Auror Tonks, do you know of her Minister?" Cho queried and Fudge shook his head, "She's a metamorphmagus and she was a friend of Potter's before the whole prison thing. She did not really give him much support and as a result, well, her abilities gone slightly haywire."

"In what way exactly?"

As Cho went on to explain, Tonks apparently had felt a desire to experience life as a member of the opposite sex for a change. Lacking the originality to create a whole new person, she had apparently borrowed an image she knew the true owner wasn't going to miss. Tom Marvolo Riddle was now stalking the Auror department, wearing nothing but a scowl and a pale pink ballerina outfit calling him/herself Tommy Tutu. Apparently Tonks not only sucked at making up new 'looks', she also sucked at picking names. Although it did sort of fit.

This would have been alright, if it weren't for the fact that he/she now had Dolores Umbridge's voice and was using it to bitch about the fact that he/she hadn't had a good lay in the past seventeen years. Several employees threw up as Tommy went on to wistfully recount how he/she'd tried to proposition Peter Pettigrew but had regularly been turned down, even after the strip tease. As Fudge and his new gofer arrived on the scene, the newest form of the Dark Lord was beginning to show them exactly how this rather disturbing form of unsuccessful foreplay had proceeded. Seventy-something year old men should not wear pink tutus anyway as a rule of thumb but even more importantly, they should not try to very slowly remove them whilst humming _You Can Leave Your Hat On_. There were tears. Several Aurors had to receive counseling for years afterwards. Villains soon learnt that in order to escape, all you had to do was hum _that song_ and every Auror in the nearby vicinity would curl up in a ball and start rocking backward and forward.

Once back in his office, Fudge had shakingly poured himself and his new lackey a glass of scotch.

"H-how do we know Potter caused that?"

"Before everyone shielded their eyes, three of the Aurors and a secretary all swear they saw a tattoo between the skin sags on the back of his upper right thigh." Cho looked traumatized by the very idea, "They all agree that it said, and I quote, _Property of Harry Potter. That's right; he's my man-bitch. Pty Ltd_."

"Please tell me you're not serious," Fudge whispered, a wild look appearing in his eye.

"I-I'm afraid I am Minister." Cho replied with a slight tremor in her voice.

- - - - - -

Neville Longbottom had finally recovered from not only his battle, but also from the events that followed. He still nodded along with whatever Dumbledore said about Harry needing their help, but secretly he couldn't help but give a mental cheer each time Harry pulled off another of his grand schemes. He knew already what only Severus Snape had figured out and that was that this whole thing had only just begun. He knew they could expect a lot more out of the original Boy Who Lived before his ex-year mate would finally leave them alone. He had vaguely voiced this opinion at the recent and only press conference he supplied after defeating Voldemort, and as such was not particularly surprised about what he came home to on the 28th of August.

Sitting on the kitchen bench was a large vase of red roses and a box of chocolates. This had not been a particularly rare occurrence over the past few weeks, but what was different was the box of sleeping pills sitting next to them. Blinking twice at the rather unique gift, he went over and checked the vase for a note. Extracting the small pink card he thus found, he flipped it open.

_Dear Mister Longbottom,_

_Cheers on offing Donald Duck. I'm sure it was a very dramatic day for you. Harry also sends his congratulations but he adds a personal thank-you for and I quote; "doing his dirty work". The flowers and chocolates were what the chick in the store said would be perfect for a congratulatory and/or thank-you gift, but she worked in a florist, had her hair braided, wore pink lipstick, read teen magazines, and looked to be roughly fifteen or sixteen which by default lists her as a romantic so perhaps I shouldn't have trusted her judgment._

_The sleeping pills were more of a personal touch. Firstly, Harry said you'd probably be getting nightmares so they'd help there. Secondly, he also said that your grandmother has terrible fashion sense and can be a domineering bitch. So I eventually decided that you could use a little "you time". I explored such options as sending her on a vacation to Greenland, having the Zoo accidentally pick her up thinking she was their newest exhibit (muggles can make foolish mistakes, especially when under a minor confundus charm), but eventually decided the little pink pills were the way to go. They are the muggle things and thus pretty much harmless to us wizarding folk, so two slipped into her fig newtons should keep her out for about nine hours with no after affects. Plus she won't become immune to them after long time use as is the case in muggles. The final benefit which Harry insisted I point out was that if you can somehow slip her the whole bottle, she'll wake up dead. Or not wake up I guess but whatever._

_I personally think that would be a stupid thing to do, but Harry was adamant I include it. It's sort of his thing now. You should have seen how difficult it was for me to convince him he couldn't blow up an eleven-year-old. I think Azkaban may have messed with his head a little. Now why was he in there? Oh yes! Because you're all a bunch of easily swayed moronic asinine cretins. But hey, no hard feelings right?_

_I wish you well with your future plans and hope that you enjoy your last year at Hogwarts._

_Sincerely,_

_Daphne Greengrass._

_P.S. See! I can write letters just as good as Harry can! Plus I'm sooooo much saner then he is._

Feeling slightly stunned Neville closed the card and placed it back with the flowers before returning his gaze to the pills. He frowned in a contemplative fashion before swiveling round to look at the tray of ginger kisses his grandmother had left unfinished on the bench.

"Hey Gran," He called out snatching up the box and moving towards the innocuous treats, "You feeling peckish at all? Fancy a snack?"

- - - - - -

"Honey, we've got another problem." Arthur called out as he returned home from the post office. They'd had decided to get a box there because since Harry's release and subsequent popularity, they had been flooded by howlers and now found this a much easier way to avoid the migraines Weasley women got from voices louder then their own.

"What's the matter dear? Did the inspector raise the fine?" Molly rushed into the room followed by all but one of her seven children who by matters of amazing coincidence all happened to be visiting.

The inspector had in fact already given them a hefty sum but luckily, due to their support of the Order, Dumbledore had graciously given them the fund to pay it off, thus meaning precious Ronnikins didn't have to spoil that lovely complexion by getting a summer job. The poor baby was allergic to hamburgers. However, the Headmaster had warned them that as per the requests of Harry's friend and newly designated accountant Draco Malfoy, they now had no access to the boy's funds and thus, this was all he could give them. If anything else came up, they were on their own.

"Luckily, that hasn't happened as of yet," Arthur started amidst sighs of relief, "But I'm afraid we have more legal issues coming through."

"What Dad? You've always been really careful with most things." Ginny cried out in her most naïve tone. On a guess, one could assume she had suffered a head trauma recently and as a result had forgotten exactly who her father was, what his job was, and what his hobbies consisted of.

"Firstly, Control of Magical Creatures is fining us an absolutely incredible amount for importing." Arthur looked sort of confused as he read the paper, "Apparently, garden gnomes are not native to this part of Britain."

"What?" George looked at him in amazement, "Garden gnomes are native of the entire UK, and can be expected in most parts of Europe."

"I know son, but as of a few hours ago, garden gnomes apparently do not naturally chose to inhabit the area… from the corner of our back yard to the road out front."

"I'm sorry what now?" Molly seemed to be swelling up with indignation.

Arthur shrugged, evidently not as worried about this as the rest of his family. Or perhaps he was simply more worried about the contents of the other letter he held.

"This other letter is to say that we are being sued. The field across the way that we have been tossing the gnomes into is a plantation of organic wheat. The gnomes have caused the phosphate level of the soil to rise above the maximum amount for the wheat to keep its certification. Its owner a Mister Drew Morton is not particularly pleased about this, and from looking at this information, he does have a valid case."

"I thought Old Man Thurn owned that land?" Ron looked confused which was nothing new but in this case it definitely everyone else's feelings about the matter.

"Not since roughly this time last year." Arthur informed them as he checked the details on the paper before him.

Far away, in a privatized estate in the Bahamas, a pretty young lady raised her glass to the two gentlemen sitting opposite her.

"A toast." She sang out loudly into the night, "To the three of us. Because payback's a bitch, but sleeping pills are gifts from the gods."

- - - - - -

If you review, I'll give you a cyber hug. It's not as warm or hug-like as a real one, but it sure is cuddly and it's the thought that counts anyway.


	6. Positive Reinforcement

_**Bedlamite**_

'Ello, 'ello. This one is long in comparison to some past chapters. This is because what was originally the start of chapter seven ended up working better at the end of chapter six. Read, enjoy, review.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

**Beta: **Suiadan

- - - - - -

**Chapter 6- Positive Reinforcement **

28th August

"And after we've gotten past there, we simply walk straight in and throw a bag over his head. He trusts us so he won't struggle. We stun the two Slytherins and bring Harry back here. Then we sit him down and explain that we couldn't have known and we apologize that he had to suffer for the Ministry's error. He'll understand and then he can start term with Ron and Hermione and everything will be back to normal." Sirius completed his idea and sat back with a satisfied grin pasted over his face.

"Padfoot," Remus seemed at a loss as to where to begin, "While I agree that Harry needs to come back home to us, we are slightly at fault and as such, that is truly the most moronic, ill thought out, completely unfeasible plan that has ever emerged from the shallow depths of your mind. And by shallow yes I do mean that you have a low level of intelligence."

"Remus, Remus, Remus, the first lesson in training your new pet is that positive reinforcement is _always_ more effective then negative reinforcement." Cassie informed the werewolf in a patronizing tone as she came up behind them to pat Sirius on the head gently.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Sirius voiced his surprise as well as his annoyance at the young girl's choice of metaphors.

"Language Josie, I'm still a naïve young child after all. Oh, and in answer to your question; I was waiting for about ten minutes so I could both hear your plan, and find a suitable moment to insult you in an indirect fashion." She replied flippantly, "Now Remus, pay attention here," She turned toward Sirius again and continued in a high pitched tone, "_Hey_ girl! You want this letter from your godson? You do huh? You do? _Well_ you need to earn it. _Beg_ Sabrina! _Beg_!"

"You have a letter from Harry?" Sirius perked up instantly in his seat.

"Well Lucy, you have the position right, but you need to bring those cute little paws up to your chest, _up_ Jenny! And then stick your tongue out for me. _There's_ a cutie pie. Aww, doesn't she look adaaawable Remus?"

Sirius had by this stage registered the insults and was sitting with his arms crossed and a pout on his face.

"Er, Sirius?" Remus leant over and murmured in the man's ear, "You do realize your sulking over something an eleven year old just said to you?"

"… No I'm not."

"…"

"Ungh. This just lost all it's fun when she started getting all defensive." Cassie rolled her eyes and tossed the letter at the still sulky teacher, "If you need me, I'll be over there at the big kids table, but remember if you do come over, Big Jim may give you that wedgie he's been promising you."

"Look kid, try to remember that you only have a certain amount of letters to give, so we won't let you get away with this for long." Sirius finally snapped at her, "We are your elders as well as your teachers and I _promise _you, when term begins homework will be the least of your worries in my classroom."

With an almost blissful smile, Cassie stepped forward and pinched Sirius' cheek none too gently, turning to speak to Remus as she did so.

"_Aaaw_." She began, "She's just so shweet when she's all angwy."

As Cassie skipped over to the head table and Sirius spluttered in outrage, Remus plucked the letter from the other man's grasp. A few minutes later, he returned it to Sirius and calmly stood and left the room, only Cassie noting the distraught look on his face and slight shake of his fingers. She sighed softly to herself.

"The poor dear." She murmured just out of her older companions' earshot, "But I suppose that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. One day, many years from now when he's all grown up, he'll thank us for it."

- - - - - -

Far away in the Bahamas, Harry too sighed and looked down at his girlfriend who was curled up at his side, peacefully reading a book.

"Do you think I was too hard on Lupin?" He asked in a troubled tone. Daphne closed her book and twisted her head up to look at him carefully.

"The only person who can truly answer that is you." She said seriously, "If you feel you went too far then you probably did. However, if you can't help but feel a slight grin creeping over your face over the whole thing, accompanied by a twinge of anger over how he treated you, then you most likely stopped at just the right point. Besides," She smiled gently, "If he figures it out and does the right thing, then you've got yourself a very useful inside man in our whole revenge against the world thing."

Harry contemplated this momentarily before the slight grin Daphne had mentioned really did appear.

"I suppose we'll have to see what he does then. And anyway, if he didn't want to hear some bad news, he should mind his own business and not read other people's mail."

"Hey guys." Draco bounced into the room carrying a small box with'DANGER! EXPLOSIVES!' written on the side, "Who wants to help me explode this thing in Diagon Alley?"

"What does it do?" Daphne asked as Harry rolled his eyes and left the room to do more important things.

"Not much," He said as he tried to look innocent. "Well, it is possible that it will cause everyone who walks along the street to suffer from bouts of hysteria and everyone who goes into a store to throw up and that the effect may also remain on the area for about a week if the Ministry can't fix it." He added sheepishly as she raised an eyebrow at his quick brush-off.

"You realize that if you do that, not one purchase will occur during the time that thing lasts and the entire British Wizarding economy could crash?"

"Of course. Are you in?" Draco hopped impatiently from one foot to the other.

"… Only if I can turn Knockturn Alley bright pink at the same time. Oh, and give it some overhead lighting that perfectly brightens every dark corner and doorway" Daphne smirked back at him.

"My dear, you are truly evil." Draco congratulated her, offering an arm which she accepted dramatically.

"Why naturally. I am a Slytherin remember?"

"Ah but that no longer justifies evilness." Draco explained, "Your boyfriend wanted to blow up an eleven year old and look what house he is, or was, in."

"I guess your right." Daphne grinned, "By the way, I was thinking we should sneak a new law into the Ministry declaring this as Evil Day. I think it would be a good thing to give this country as a way to remember the havoc we've caused."

"Why don't you two just go get some sleep?" Harry shouted from the other room.

"Darling, I just got out of bed." Daphne reminded him, "And when I did so I suddenly realized that while it may be a whole new day here, it's still Evil Day in dear old England. I simply _must_ cause some more havoc. They've had several hours of peace! What on earth must they think of us?"

- - - - - -

Rita Skeeter could not decide if this was the best or worst day of her career. She had enough front page stories to get her the biggest raise she would ever receive, but she also had a letter from Harry Potter. The letter stated that if she did print the stories but turned down the raise, then he wouldn't punish her. That in itself was laughable because as it stood, having to make this decision was punishment enough. If she turned down one raise, her boss would feel comfortable and justified in never having to offer her one again. However, having seen what had happened to Nymphadora Tonks, she wasn't sure the threat of a personalized Harry Punishment was something she wanted to ignore. She bided her time by sending in the stories and waiting to see how much she was offered before making her final decision.

About half an hour after her owl had left with her latest works; she heard a whooshing sound from the fireplace and turned to see her editor with an ecstatic smile on his face.

"These are amazing Rita, how did you get into the Ministry to find out about the Auror? And the interview with her; utterly remarkable." He reached out to shake her hand, "I believe this justifies a raise."

Rita looked at the slip of paper in his hand and couldn't help but gape. That much extra a fortnight would get her roughly another four thousand galleons a year.

"Sir I am immensely grateful for this. I appreciate it so very much. My loyalty to this paper could not be more honest." She gushed as the man smiled and popped out of her fireplace.

Rita was feeling a little nervous now, but truly for that sum, she could handle the possibility of a sex change. She took a deep breath and headed back into her study. She had a letter from Harry Potter after all and she couldn't waste the opportunity to send a reply asking for an interview. Surely he would understand the necessity of her decision and even if he didn't, well, she had had these sorts of problems before and always survived them. Barely.

- - - - - -

"Hello boys," Cassie smirked at the teachers as they watched her warily. Possibly because after delivering the letter to Sirius and sitting with them for a few minutes she had disappeared for the entire day only to show up now in time for dinner. Or possibly because she was eleven, pretending to be Lara Croft, and doing a remarkably good job of it. "I had planned to use this time to pull out your letters and hand them all out but for now, I'll just let you stew." She slipped gently into her seat next to Minerva and wrinkled her nose at the food before her. "I hate peas," She sighed before digging in as they all watched her.

Sirius glared at her a little bit, still feeling slightly touchy over the insults she had dealt out earlier that day. He was also a little upset that the letter he had been given simply said _I'm sorry but the number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please try again later._

As a pureblooded wizard, he couldn't really understand this comment and spent most of the day reopening the letter to see if it was 'later' yet. Eventually the letter had apparently gotten tired of the whole thing and simply had 'piss off' written in big letters across it. Remus however was yet to snap out of his Harry induced daze and simply munched a breadstick quietly. The other teachers kept one eye on the young girl but focused most of their attention on each other. Well, everyone except Dumbledore that is who still held the belief that yes, the world really _did_ revolve around him. As such, no-one was particularly surprised when he sat up with "an announcement to make".

"I think I have found the solution to our problems with bringing Harry back to us." He stated grandly once they were all looking at him.

"This'll be good," Cassie and Severus muttered at the same time before glaring at each other for making it sound like some sort of cliché on a TV sitcom.

"As you all know, Hogwarts is warded to keep most people from apparating in." Albus continued as everyone rolled their eyes before turning to look at the only known exception to the rule who gave a finger wave before returning to the trials of stomaching peas, "However, on several occasions in the past, Headmasters have been drawn upon by the Ministry as, if manipulated correctly, the wards can be used in reverse and a selected individual is drawn _into_ them."

"Are you freaking crazy?" Cassie shouted out at him, "Don't answer that. But seriously, what makes you think that would work on _Harry Potter_ for God's sake? And if by some miracle he did, he'd just glare at you and leave again to plan an even more severe revenge against you."

"Minerva, I believe Miss DeGette is a little overwhelmed with the knowledge that our poor boy may soon be returned to us." Dumbledore said wisely, "Why don't you escort her back to your rooms so she can get some shut eye hmm?"

Not a single person in the room including Albus himself believed the notion that Cassie could get worked up by the idea he'd suggested but Minerva took the hint and lead Cassie out. Cassie however had decided that if she had to put up with this treatment, they would _all_ have to hear about it.

"_What_?" She shrieked out at them, earning a wince from Pomona, "Have you all lost your minds? I am the only connection you have with him and you're going to completely ignore my opinion? You cannot seriously think I will stand for this outrage- _get your hands off me woman or I swear I'll use the pepper spray_! Get off of me! Oh great, now Samantha here gets to have her revenge moment." Minerva gratefully handed the kicking and screaming girl over to a smirking Sirius, "_Stop manhandling me you arse_!" Cassie continued in her rant before resorting to the classics, "HELP! _Rape_! Somebody please save me from this sexually repressed maniac!" Then moving on to a different technique; bribery, "Hey listen Julia, if you let me go, I promise I'll help you paint your nails and then we can sit back and look over the designs for your wedding dress and I'll give my opinions of the seating plan you've had all set up since you were fifteen." Before finally trying her usual fallback plan of cuteness. "Pweeease Mister Bwack sir? I pwomise I'll be good."

Cassie's efforts were in vain however because Sirius had long since decided she was a good for nothing brat and as such took great pleasure in his new duties. Her ineffective cries could still be heard for several minutes after he'd left the hall, by this stage bodily carrying her across his shoulder.

"Okay, as I was saying." Dumbledore continued after everyone's ears had finally stopped ringing and gotten used to the returned serenity.

* * *

On a final note: I am having a slight difficulty coming up with new things for revenge for the following characters-

Hermione, Cho, Kingsley, Percy (it won't be big, just a warning that his misdoings weren't forgotten), and Ginny.

The problem I am having is that there are only so many things that really work for these characters and they've been used by other authors. I have already recieved a few suggestions from some readers which may or may not be used in chapters seven and nine (eight is full) but I would freely accept more ideas. So, if you have the perfect idea for revenge on the above characters _or any other_ that you won't be able to use in your own story/s, please send me a review with your idea. Credit will be given for any and all suggestions and I will make a list of the ones I don't use so you all know how creative your peers are. If anyone overlaps, original credit will go to the first person to suggest it but I'll list anyone else who thought of it too. Oh and in Percy's case; it can't be anything serious or with a long lasting physical, psychological, or financial effect. Everyone else is fair game.

Btw, credit goes to a Scrubs obsessed sister for the idea of how Cassie would treat Sirius.


	7. Arrivals

_**Bedlamite**_

Yes yes I know. I'm a horrible person who shouldn't make promises I cannot uphold to. I had a rather serious case of writers block and had to devote every single creative jot that did show up to the tonne of Creative Responses and Essays that my teachers decided were an appropriate way for me to begin my final year. If anyone wants to write said essays for me then I'm sure that new chapters would be easy to formulate, but that is unethical and blocks my access to further university studies so I'm afraid you'll all just have to be patient(stupid BSSS).

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

- - - - - -

**Chapter 7- Arrivals**

1st September

"I have made a decision" Harry announced, "Everyone who utilizes and/or has a hand in the control of sweat shops and other such abuses of human lives should be put to death… after being buried alive for at least twelve hours… or perhaps just burnt at the stake."

"Is there any particular reason for this sudden decision, other then simple disgust at a horrid practice?" Daphne inquired; looking up momentarily from her map of the Ministry (she was trying to figure out the easiest way to sneak anthrax into the building).

"Nah, just planning ahead for future campaigns after our 'Screw Magic' efforts have succeeded."

"Alrighty then."

Unbeknownst to the couple, at this moment another noteworthy individual was also plotting, but his efforts were slightly less noble, and slightly more focused. _His_ plans were to drag three people halfway across the world and force them to receive an education. Truly, it was an important issue in modern society and completely worthy of the vast sums of money he and his backers were spending. By now they probably could have fed an entire country with these funds but _obviously_ this issue was having a greater affect on the world. Or perhaps he just found the time constraints of his current plan a little easier to work around.

Albus Dumbledore was this plotter's name, and he was one of the most important figures in modern wizarding history. And ancient wizarding history. To be honest, he should have retired several centuries ago. However, he was currently awaiting the arrival of several hundred youths, all eager to be in the presence of him and his superfluously copious ego. More importantly, three soon-to-return-to-being-students would be arriving shortly before the others started eating. There would probably be a few awkward moments connected with this event, but he was sure that the three of them would soon settle down and tuck in to the lavish feast that Hogwarts' own slave system had prepared. Yes, he sighed to himself, everything would soon be as it should be.

Cassandra DeGette rolled her eyes as she watched the elderly headmaster smiling to himself, his hands gently conducting an imaginary orchestra. She had tried to warn them all, let it never be said that she hadn't tried, but they were all so wrapped up in doing things "their way" that they had brushed aside her warnings with true teacherly essence. She sighed in exasperation as she looked around at the Hogwarts teaching staff, all barely masking their excitement as they bounced in their seats like toddlers anticipating that big bowl of vanilla ice-cream Mummy had promised them. Idiots the lot of them, she decided as she waited patiently to the side of the stage for her future companions. She was absolutely certain that if she could only separate them from the older students for a few minutes she could completely immunize them from the youthful manifestations of stupidity they would be dropped amongst. The only problem was how to get them away from the masses for that one moment she would require. It was truly a dilemma worthy of a rather gifted eleven year old.

Harriet Stolks was now a second year at Hogwarts and this year, she was the first to walk through the doors of the Great Hall. She was an unremarkable individual who didn't have any marked importance in the current events of society, but she was the first to spot the small child standing to the side of the stage with a contemplative frown on her face. She didn't look nearly old enough to be at Hogwarts, but she, like the other students, dismissed this oddity with barely a thought. Just assuming it was another thing to happen at this rather unique educational facility.

After everyone was settled, the first years all shuffled along the stage, Cassie moving in front of them, resulting in her being the unfortunate student who had to stand closest to Filius "Tuna-Breath" Flitwick. She took no notice however and simply continued her pondering. The ridiculously shabby and unfashionable hat began singing and Cassie turned to the first year beside her, but was unable to say anything under the watchful and suspicious eyes of every single teacher at the table. For the past half hour, none of them had anything better to do then watch Cassie for fishy behaviour so she instantly realized that this was not her "moment" and went immediately back to pondering, ignoring the hat's caterwauling.

She did not break this trance-like thought process until the first student, one chubby looking boy called George Abbott, had been called to put the hat on As he sat down on the three legged stool and McGonagall brought the hat close to his head, Cassie broke her silence with a look of pure horror on her face.

"_Stop_!" She shrieked her voice filled with fear, "_Don't you let that _thing_ touch that poor boy_!" She continued as the hall's other occupants looked at her in bewilderment.

"Miss DeGette," Professor McGonagall said in a warning tone, "Please moderate your volume and behaviour. You are disturbing the other students."

"How can you even _consider_ letting that thing touch any of us!" Cassie cried out, "When was the last time it was cleaned? Have you not heard of head lice? Do you not understand the ease with which those vermin transfer from one child's hair to another? You!" She pointed at the startled Abbott boy, "Do you have lice?"

"N-no." George stammered looking scared.

"Do you _want_ them?"

"Of c-course not."

"I thought as much." Cassie muttered, "Professors, we the first years refuse to participate in this practice until that hat has been soaked in lice killer and bleach. In the mean time, we'll wait in the antechamber." She said before spinning on her heels and ushering the other students back out in front of her.

The hall filled with whispers and mutterings as all the first years exited through the side door, all looking more then a little dazed. The teachers spoke for a moment (yes, it was Cassie's moment) before McGonagall marched out to retrieve the students while Flitwick performed a few charms on the hat to fulfill Cassie's requests.

The first years reentered the hall, all finally looking to have a sense of purpose. Some of the teachers looked slightly worried, having overheard Cassie muttering earlier about only needing "one moment" to corrupt the new students, but nothing could be done now.

George Abbott marched firmly over to the hat and, after a quick lice inspection, popped it on.

"_Gryffindor_!" The hat warbled in the tone of one who's drunk a few too many beers and really shouldn't be working.

The students clapped as Hannah's younger brother waddled over to his new table and sat down. The line shrunk slowly as each student received the third degree from the intoxicated-sounding hat, but finally "DeGette Cassandra" was called to the stage.

Cassie folded her arms across her chest and looked at the hat pensively. She tilted her head from one side to the other as the teachers resisted the urge to roll their eyes. Cassie took a cautious step toward the three legged stool but halted and turned to look at Professor McGonagall, her guardian of the last few days.

"Pwofethor McGonagall?" She lisped in her sweetest tone before straightening up and looking round at all the teachers with an invasive glare, "When was the last time this hat received a full psychological examination to make sure it held no suppressed paedophilic tendencies?"

"I-I'm sorry?" Remus finally stammered out on the behalf of them all.

"Every year, this hat has access to the minds and bodies of anywhere from twenty to seventy eleven year olds. I would hate to think what could happen if it were to abuse this privilege."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake kid, just put the damn hat on!" Sirius shouted at her.

"Now, now Frances, don't get touchy with me." Cassie shook her finger at him, "I'm only concerned about my personal welfare, as well as that of all the other students who must allow this invasion of their privacy. Anyway, just imagine if… hold on.' She tilted her head and placed her hands over her ears before smiling at them all, "Its okay everyone! The voices in my head say that they'll make sure the hat doesn't do anything naughty."

With this startling comment, Cassie skipped forward and placed the hat gently on her head.

"_Gryffindor_!" The hat rasped out, apparently fast moving from being inebriated, to having a massive hangover.

She skipped over to her table amidst a heavy silence, broken only by George Abbott's enthusiastic clapping.

The rest of the sorting continued quite calmly and before long, all the first years were settled calmly, but nervously, with their new companions. Luckily, all were armed with Cassie's one moment crash course on how to avoid being infected with stupidity and bigotry.

With the final student gone, Dumbledore rose up in his chair and stretched his arms out wide, seeming like the kindly grandfather figure all of Hogwarts had come to love and adore. As Cassie gazed up at his face, she finally noticed exactly what the problem had been in trying to convince this man of the facts of life during the past few weeks. Only now, as she looked up at him from amidst a herd of barely animate numbskulls could she see him as he truly was. He met her gaze peacefully, displayed the gentle eyes and faint smile... of the true Alzheimer's sufferer. How she had missed it all this time was mind-boggling. Now all she needed was a well scripted letter to the school board and they would be rid of him for good. Surely he would be happier to simply reside in a rocking chair in the corner of a mental health facility like so many others with his symptoms.

"Welcome back." Dumbledore began in hisrather usual fashion, "I am delighted to have you here once again, particularly now that we can enjoy our newly restored safety." He inclined his head at Neville who ducked his head modestly, "However, three of our students are not here with us." Dumbledore looked sad, "As such, we have made a vast effort to return our students to us and we are hoping to see them here shortly. We ask you to be patient for a moment longer before the feast truly begins."

Dumbledore sat down again, apparently having finished his rambling. The teachers all pulled out their wands and, with Dumbledore's direction, all whipped them around and shouted out a long complex Latin phrase.

There was a blinding flash and suddenly three seventeen year olds fell out of the sky and landed in front of Dumbledore.

There was a stunned silence in the hall. The students were silent because two ex-convicts and a suspected death eater had just landed in the middle of Hogwarts. Dumbledore was silent because he was too busy doing a mental victory dance to greet the new arrivals. Cassie was silent because she honestly hadn't thought this would work. Sirius was silent because Cassie hadn't thought this would work and he was too busy smirking triumphantly to realize that he was ignoring his godson in favour of holding a silent battle of wits with an eleven year old. Remus and most of the other teachers were silent because they were looking at the young man who had been the focus of all their free time for the past few weeks. The new trio was silent because they had honestly agreed with Cassie's theory that this couldn't possibly work on _Harry Potter_.

The silence was finally broken a few minutes later as Harry stretched his hand out in front of him, tilted it back, and examined his nails.

"You know Daphne," He began, "You really couldn't have picked a worse day to take it into your head to paint my nails hot pink."

And with this statement he cast a quick spell at Hermione Granger before he and his friends vanished silently, just as quickly as they had arrived.

-

Thank-you to all the people who have submitted revenge ideas. They are all hilarious (although sometimes cringe worthy) and you'll be seeing the first usage of them in the next chapter. Yes it will be Hermione. Since I haven't started them, I can't give credit yet but keep an eye out at the end of the next chapter to see tbe marvellous, creative, and sometimes mildly sadistic ideas that you and your peers took the time to submit.

Btw, while I now have an idea for all the characters I was troubled with before, I'm still open to suggestion so feel free to submit ideas for any character if there is a scenario you would really like to see played out. No promises but if it works...


	8. Meetings

_**Bedlamite**_

Okay, lots of delays. Sue me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I'll now let you in on the big "plan" that readers of Replay and Abandon Ship have known about for a few weeks now. "The plan?" you ask. Well; I've decided to put up another **PAIRING POLL**!

If you have read Abandon Ship then you would know that this is how I choose which pairing to work with since I can't seem to make up my mind otherwise. Since Replay is coming to an end (bar the sequel) I will be starting work on a new story soon and I need a pairing. The options are:

Katie Bell,  
Lisa Turpin,  
Pansy Parkinson,  
Sally-Anne Perks,  
Padma Patil,  
Susan Bones,  
Tonks,  
Angelina Johnson,  
Alicia Spinnet,

Theodore Nott,  
Blaise Zabini,  
Seamus Finnegan,  
Marcus Flint,  
Oliver Wood,  
Charlie Weasley,  
Percy Weasley,  
Kingsley Shacklebolt,  
Victor Krum,

**or** no pairing.

These have been chosen for their rarity. To have your say, review or PM with the name and your vote will be added to the count. If you want a different pairing then feel free to suggest it, but it must be rare, and I'd appreciate it if you gave me a reason for your desire. You can check out the **current votes** in my profile. **Note:** This is a vote for the person who will be paired with HARRY. A couple of reviewers have been confused by this in the past and tried to match the lists up with each other.

That is all. Enjoy this chapter.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

* * *

**Chapter 8- Meetings** This chapter is dedicated to Cogster for being the 200th reviewer. Thanks for the entertainment love. 

1st September

"Bloody hell Albus! You put us through all that effort, practically eliminate our magical cores in the process, and Harry manages to leave again in less then a minute!" Sirius managed to voice the opinions of the other teachers as they all looked at the spot where the three teens had been located in a state of shock.

"Now Sirius, do try and think sensibly, He could just have used an invisibility spell." Albus tried, apparently attempting to convince himself as much as everyone else.

"Umm… nope, I'd say the chances are he's truly gone." Minerva concluded after a quick locating spell. She glared at Albus, "Now would you be so kind as to explain how your _infallible _plan managed to fail within moments?"

"Now Minerva, how could I have known it wouldn't work?"

"Gee, maybe because I _told_ you it wouldn't work?" Cassie shouted from the Gryffindor table, "Honestly, does _no one_ listen to eleven year olds anymore? I provided detailed proof, clear examples, and undeniable evidence that you couldn't keep Harry Potter in Hogwarts if he didn't want to be here but _nooooo_ you just _have_ to go and try to nuke your entire staff with your _perfect_ plan. Un- freaking-believable."

"Did I miss the part where she took a breath during that little rant?" Severus murmured to Poppy who sniggered silently.

"Miss De Gette, if you could please refrain from adding your opinion at the moment-"

"Refrain from adding my opinion?" She cut into Remus' tired attempt at controlling her, "_Refrain_ from adding my opinion? Why the hell should I? You don't listen anyway so I'm basically just sitting here talking to myself and _that_ my good friend is not a crime!"

"You little-" Sirius started but seemed unsure as to how to continue.

"Oh, go deep throat an ice pick." Cassie shouted and stormed out of the room amidst the stunned silence of her housemates, bar George of course who giggled and clapped.

Back in the Bahamas, Draco was chasing a hysterically laughing Daphne around the room scolding her about teaching small children the process of creative sexuality.

* * *

19th September 

Hermione Granger was not a happy girl. School had returned to session several weeks ago and she had been rather pleased with how it had gone so far, with the exception of only a few incidences. The problem was these incidences were all directly related to her.

Hermione had long since banned the house-elves from touching any of her belongings, preferring to unpack and sort through them herself due to her SPEW beliefs. As such, she noticed almost immediately that some damage had occurred to some of her books. Her first thought was that the trunk had been bumped during transportation and had thus caused the harm to her precious babies, but she dismissed this after remembering the cushioning charms she had lovingly cast over each separate literary piece.

Her next thought was sabotage, possibly from that shady character Miss DeGette whom she had had her eye on since the beginning of the Sorting Ceremony. However, her compulsive reading of Hogwarts, A History, told her that this was impossible as all student property was untouchable by others once out of the original student's sight during the entirety of its journey. From the train to their dorms and every moment from then until the house-elves, or in this case Hermione, put the items away.

After eliminating these two options, she decided simply to dismiss the whole occurrence and work to resolving the issue.

As such, the next morning she got up early to begin work, but made a startling discovery. The night before, she had simply seen a couple of damaged spines and a few scratches. When she looked upon the books in daylight however, she saw that while the covers barely seemed damaged, every single page had been charred to cinders which crumbled as she tried desperately to fix the problem.

Devastated, she had gone to speak with her Head of House the next morning who had sympathized, but basically had just told her to get over herself. Fuming slightly she collected her parchment and text books and headed off to her first classes. A few days later however, she found that every one of said books had also suffered the affects of the four she'd found in her trunk. At the end of the week, a book she had borrowed from the library also showed these symptoms. Only her perfect history had stopped Madam Pince from banning her from the library after that incident.

Yesterday evening however, this whole thing had reached an unimaginable state. Every single book she owned, every scroll of parchment, and all library books that had been in her possession for more then three days were now completely destroyed, bar the covers. With tears streaming down her face, she had poured her soul out to Ron who -while secretly celebrating the destruction of his chief rivals in wooing her affections- had finally brought to light the obvious answer that had been staring her in the face since the beginning of this whole debacle.

The spell Harry had shot at her.

Instantly, enlightenment dawned. The problem wasn't with the books, it was with her. She was cursed. Jumping up, she had immediately rushed off to see Madam Pomfrey.

She was due for disappointment however as Madam Pomfrey was baffled as to how to rid her of this hindrance. She finally suggested that Hermione go see a specialist and, after looking up experts in book curses, recommended that Hermione go see a Professor Diana Griffins.

And so it was that on the morning of the twelfth of September, Hermione Granger set out via the hospital wing floo connection, for a small scholarly office in Dublin, where she was told an enthusiastic professor was waiting to see her and view the condition for herself.

* * *

"And thus begins the first meeting of EAR. That's Eavesdroppers Are Us which technically should be EAU, but those initials are taken and EAR is a lot more fitting considering the point of this organization." Narcissa sat back with a satisfied smirk as she looked around at her other companions, Severus, Poppy, Alastor, and George Abbott who appeared a little uncertain of his role here, but was bouncing up and down in excitement anyway. 

"Moody, I thought you said you'd gotten her to quit the alcohol." Severus said in a whiny tone that completely did not go with his 'signature look'.

George looked at him in surprise, being only familiar with the snarky potions master and not this almost toddler-like complainer. George naturally decided that the other Snape was less likely to leave permanent psychological scarring. He was prevented from further examining this attitude change by an obviously sulking Moody.

"Shut-up Snape, I can still arrest you for almost every crime ever listed."

"Bite me."

"I'll pass thanks. Sexual sadism isn't really my _thang"_

"From what I've heard, you delve more toward autoerotic asphyxiation." Poppy murmured from the corner as she sipped a cappuccino.

"_People_!" Narcissa snapped out at them, "Please try to remember that there is an impressionable youth in the room. Now, we must devise a method of being able to view Mister Potter, Miss Greengrass and my son's devious attempts to torture the shit out of the wizarding world. Oh and while we're at it, let's take a blowtorch to Dumbledore's eyeballs before cutting off his masculinity and feeding it to him as punishment for denying my son access to his inherited property."

"Umm, I'm not absolutely sure why I'm here," George began after giving Narcissa a look that clearly said _ah, get away from me now_, "But I think that now would be an appropriate time for me to leave. I have a Firsties Against Grandiose Stupidity meeting in an hour anyway."

"Grandiose stupidity?"

"Cassie says it's because the majority of stupidity here comes at an incredible level and from some exceedingly important people."

"Whatever." Narcissa shrugged her shoulders in an incredibly teenageistic manner, "Sit down young man, you're not going anywhere."

"Okay." George squeaked out, sitting down on the floor as Narcissa focused her glare on him.

Severus rolled his eyes and, in a bewildering mood change, managed to belittle every person in the room with only a glare. After turning them all to pools of mush, he straightened up in his seat and addressed the mildly intoxicated Narcissa.

"Cissy my dear, as entertaining as this has been, I have papers to mark, and Mister Abbott here has papers to write." He said gravely, despite the slight distraction of George leaning over and trying to look through his ears for the hidden answer to his apparently unstable personalities.

"Oh poopy." Narcissa pouted, "Never mind, you'll just have to explain to your classes that their grades will be returned a little late."

"Narcissa…" Severus looked at her warningly but she brushed him off.

"Georgie my boy, I must first congratulate you on your house. Sure, it would have been better if you'd gone to Slytherin, but I am afraid you truly could not have handled living there." Narcissa informed him in a grave but still playful tone, "As it is though, your current position gives us an insiders view on all the problems those three _dastardly _teens are likely to cause for some of your housemates. You see, the two ex-fugitives and my son are not entirely mentally stable. I honestly fear that my darling son may even end up killing that Weasley boy." Narcissa looked practically giddy with excitement, "So, we need you to come and inform one of us every time you think something is going on that the three sweeties may have caused so we can come an watch to make sure it won't be life threatening."

"But…"

"No buts Georgie Porgie! This is a matter of utmost importance. Just imagine if we missed out on seeing… er… _preventing_ one of these events. The results could be catastrophic."

"Are you up for the challenge Mister Abbott?" Poppy asked him gravely.

George blinked for a moment before nodding enthusiastically.

"I've got to go now though, the meeting you see." He said and hurried over to the door; he paused as he reach it and turned back to look at them, "I guess it could be important that the Granger girl has been acting freaky about something happening to her books by the way." Having said this he flung the door open, "High ho Silver, _away_!" He cried out loudly before galloping down the corridors making clicky 'hoof' sounds.

The other four looked out at his retreating figure.

"I like him." Alastor announced as Narcissa gave Severus a triumphant smirk.

* * *

"Welcome fellow ignored ones!" Cassie exclaimed loudly, opening her arms wide to the general (and unimpressed) assembly, "I come here bearing hope for your souls, your very being! You need never worry again!" 

"Umm… what?" a Slytherin by the name of Joey Levinson finally spoke up after no one had seemed inclined to comment on Cassie's rather odd declaration.

"Sorry." Cassie looked a little sheepish, "I tend to get a little caught up in my own sense of self-righteousness. You see; I believe myself to be God."

"I understand. Naturally with such talents as yours such a misconception is easily explainable." Joey didn't seem to be placated by this knowledge.

"Anyway, this meeting is the same as our other meetings we've been having. I'm going to babble on for a few more moments before opening the floor to suggestions about new ways with which we can avoid being infected by this epidemic of complete lunacy." She looked up again as George burst through the doors, reigning in his imaginary horse, "Ah, Mister Abbott, how kind of you to join us."

"Hi Cassie!" George waved excitedly.

"Hi Georgie-Boy!" She waved back with false enthusiasm.

"Guess what? We're not the only ones with a secret society!"

"We're not?" Cassie gasped in outrage, "Who has dared to make use of my oh so wonderful idea? Who thinks they may attempt to match my-"

"_Our_." Chorused the other Firsties, having heard similar rants in the past.

"Our greatness. Who tries to match m- _our_ aptitude at sneaking around Hogwarts looking like idiots for no apparent reason?"

"Professor Snape for one." George replied, completely misunderstanding the concept of a rhetorical rant.

"Snape's in a secret society?"

"Yeah! EAR, Eavesdroppers Are Us which technically should be EAU, but Cissy said those initials are taken and that EAR is a lot more fitting considering the point of their organization." George grinned.

"Who's taken EAU?" A Hufflepuff called Donald Simons felt the need to be obnoxious.

"European Association of Urology." Cassie informed him absentmindedly as she digested this new information, "EAR is also taken by the European Agency for Reconstruction, but no one cares what they do anyway. Who else is in the society George?"

"There's Madam Pomfrey, Mister Moody, and of course Ms Malfoy." George stated off proudly before realizing he was the centre of attention and sitting down on the floor again in embarrassment.

"I vote that for now we just keep an eye on them and make sure that they too aren't trying to corrupt our brain cells into going on strike." A Ravenclaw named Bessie Sims spoke up and the others nodded their agreement in true eleven-year-old fashion.

"Oh! But can't we just-"

"No Cassie you cannot blow them up." Bessie scolded.

"We then how about we-"

"Nor can you set them on fire, sell their kidneys on the black market, or mix the essence of Barney into their pumpkin juice." Joey eliminated in a bored tone.

"You're no fun anymore." Cassie pouted as George sniggered in the back ground, "What gives you the right to decide which secret societies I can and can not torture anyway? Who made you the King of Secretness huh? You gotta problem with me big boy?"

Cassie was yelling by now and advancing on Joey who slowly eased away from her. Just as Bessie and another girl Hilary were preparing to jump on her and give the unfortunate Slytherin a chance to escape, she paused and tilted her head to the side.

"False alarm guys!" She sang out cheerfully, skipping back to the front of the room, "The voice in my head say the society is pretty cool, although clearly not as cool as mine-"

"_Ours._"

"Right. Anyway, we leave them be for now. Daddy says so."

"Daddy?" a girl questioned Bessie as the group broke up for the night.

"One of the voices." She explained, "While I am reluctant to believe any explanation except that she makes them up, I do have to admit I'm a bit grateful of them. They've saved our skins in many occasions like tonight."

"She's a little odd isn't she?"

"Yeah. Fun though."

* * *

"Miss Granger I presume? Good. I am Professor Griffins. You are having a slight problem with literature I understand?" 

Hermione nodded as she sat warily on the edge of the high back chair looking a the woman on the other side of the desk. She was only about twenty-one, dressed in faded red robes over a form-fitting, black, turtleneck sweater. She wore her curly reddish hair in a loose bun that kept escaping to frame her face. She noticed Hermione's scepticism and smiled.

"Don't worry, I realize I look fairly young but in reality I'm twenty-nine. I've spent far too much time studying and really haven't had the chance to age."

Hermione grinned. She always knew studying would get her places, and it turned out it would preserve her looks too. Take _that_ Pansy Parkinson.

"Now, while I have my suspicions over the root cause; I'll do some tests first. I'd hate to send you out of here with a misdiagnosis after all." The professor stood and cast some numbing spells over Hermione so that she wouldn't have to feel the assorted abuses her body was about to be put through.

For the next hour and a half she cast multiple spells, drew several blood samples, stripped her down for a full examination, and swabbed her with several brightly coloured strips. Finally, a small slip of paper appeared in mid air and flew into the professor's hand. Reading it, she gasped and placed a hand on her heart which did very little to reassure Hermione.

"I-I don't believe it." Professor Griffins murmured, "There hasn't been anything like this since the eighteenth century. It's amazing. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to witness something like this. Miss Granger, would you mind terribly if I used your case in an article for the Wizard Scientist? It's a very reputable journal."

"Umm… sure." Hermione said, feeling a little dazed as the numbing spells she'd been under wore off, "What is it I've been cursed with?"

"_Le Fiamme di Magia_. It's an old Italian curse which is actually connected directly to the victim's magic. You'll find that all non-living sources of knowledge become contaminated upon connection with you. Eventually you won't be able to walk within a hundred metres of a library without having the whole thing blow up on the spot. The actual spell was thought to be lost with the massacre of the Volpe family in the seventeen hundreds but well, apparently someone knows how to cast it."

Hermione shook slightly in her seat, a small glimmer of a tear showing in the corner of her left eye. She starred dolefully up at Professor Griffins.

"So is there some sort of cure? Any preventative measures I can take?" She began, "I know a lot of Italian spells at the time left loopholes since many alliances kept changing and no one wanted to have accidentally left a life destroying curse of their newest associate and-"

"Now, now Miss Granger, do try to keep control of yourself. There is a cure." Hermione looked joyful at this and gripped the sides of her chair in anticipation, "You see; since the problem or _contamination_ is in your magic, all you have to do is add an uncontaminated source. The easiest and quickest way to do this is through sexual intercourse. The only other is through a full blood transfusion and I doubt you'll find someone who fits the requirements who is willing to do that."

"Requirements?"

"Yes. You see, magic is a constantly changing source of energy and it is very good at adapting and altering itself. If you were to try and connect with a wizard of similar age and association to yourself you would find it did no good as his magic would simply change to match the contamination in yours. With a case as progressed as yours I am afraid this would apply to quite a broad range of individuals."

"Alright," Hermione seemed to be unimpressed but not fighting this new dilemma, apparently not too fussed about who she would have to screw to keep her precious books safe, "So what options does that leave me with?"

"Well I am afraid we're stuck with squibs." Professor Griffins stared at her calmly, although Hermione was sure the lady was twitching occasionally, "You see squibs do have a regular portion of magic, but the reason they cannot use theirs is that it does not adapt. It is a fixed element, unusable to all except now you. If you truly want this fixed, the person you need to find is someone who is a _complete_ squib, but who has an acknowledgement and understanding of magic, otherwise theirs will not transfer to you. If they have been surrounded by magic for a lengthy amount of time then you have the best chance of a successful donation as their magic, while not adapting, will recognize another magic source and try to connect to it."

Hermione stared at the Professor whose twitching had now developed to a full body, but only subtly noticeable shaking.

"Are you telling me that if I want to get past this… _disease_, then I going to have to sleep with... with _Filch_?"

* * *

"Holy shit Draco, you should have been there. It was so hilarious. I could barely keep a straight face through the whole thing." Daphne was still laughing hysterically as the other two boys tried to calm themselves. 

"I don't know how you come up with this stuff Daphne." Draco said, wiping tears off his face, "You've got Granger one hundred percent convinced that she has to shag Filch."

"It was Harry's idea." Daphne told him sagely, nodding to her boyfriend who was still laughing.

"Yeah, but you performed it beautifully love." He returned the credit.

"I kind of did, didn't I?" Daphne giggled with a slight bounce on the spot.

"I swear your personality changes with each word you utter." Draco stated with mild awe as he watched the now rather ditzy girl collapse in peals of laughter once more.

Eventually they all calmed down and sat around to plan their next move.

"Remus should be almost ready to crack." Daphne began, "We could contact him again, get him working with us."

"I do sort of miss him," Harry agreed, "And he was one of the few to feel personal guilt over what happened. But I think that before we start on him, we should get his colleagues."

"Operation Teacher's Pet?" Draco suggested.

"Yeah. Not Sirius or Dumbledore since those two deserve something more specific. Oh, and Professor Snape and Madam Pomfrey will be too busy with EAR for us to interrupt with this so leave them out as well, but I think it's time we set to work on the others."

"I'll contact Cassie." Daphne said standing up.

"I'll get the supplies." Draco flipped over the back of the couch and headed for the door.

"And _I'll_ take the fun part and begin infiltration." Harry finished up, sitting back in his seat with a smirk.

**

* * *

**

With thanks to **kenshinjagan** for the original idea for Hermione's revenge, then to **Katzztar** for expanding upon it and **Hedwig Edwiges** giving me a wonderful idea to work with, and finally to **JediCandy** who is nicer then the rest of us and thought to offer a solution for Hermione's woes. The fact that said solution is exceptionally undesirable to her and leaves the rest of us with bad mental images and an eternal mantra of _I don't want to know, I don't want to know, Oh sweet Jeebus I do NOT want to know_ is irrelevant. Worship these four reviewers. They are your gods until such time as I declare otherwise.

Thanks to stonegnome1, dogbertcarroll, sambee, Vesvius B, Wonderbee31, 10dedfish, SaphirePhoenix, Musings-of-Apathy, Leibhaftige, Bar00n, mumimeanjudy, Cateagle, Benikoushaku, Elfwyn, The-Resident, Slayer6, ubetiburn, Bukama Stealth, and anyone else who somehow missed my trawler through the inbox mess (review or PM if you were missed and I'll make sure to apologize and note you in the next chapter). These people all offered brilliant suggestions as to what I should do with our Miss Granger. Hopefully you are all happy with the path I chose to take and I promise I did love all the suggestions I claimed to. When I get the time I'll sit down and write up a list of all the revenge ideas and post it on my site so everyone can have a look at them all.

**Okay that's it. Remember you must _VOTE_ on the pairing poll or Harry will end up with someone you'll hate. See the list at the start of the chapter if you missed it or look on my profile. I'll tell you right now that so far a slash pairing is winning so all het fans will need to put in their vote SOON if it matters to them.**


	9. Disturbances

_**Bedlamite**_

Well, it has been a while now hasn't it. I've been sick and for that I apologize. Now, I have some issues I need to clear up, all in relation to the **PAIRING POLL**. It is for a **new story**. I am not changing the pairing for this story. Daphne's annoying enough as it is, and she'll give me a hell of a hard time if I go and wreck her sex life on top of everything else. She's still sulky about the whole Azkaban thing. The pairing poll is to vote towards who will be paired with **Harry**, not anyone else.

That said, the pairing poll is currently lead by Blaise Zabini, followed closely by Pansy Parkinson and Charlie Weasley. Please remember that I am already working on another het story that is already six chapters long (not posted obviously) and still going, so it isn't the end of the world if the story ends up being slash. You will live. No more flames like with Abandon Ship thank-you.

New readers, please note that you may vote for:  
_Blaise, Seamus, Charlie, Marcus Flint, Oliver, Percy, Theodore Nott, Victor, Kingsley, Padma, Pansy, Lisa Turpin, Penelope Clearwater, Tonks, Sally-Anne, Susan, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie_.

The poll will close at the exact moment when I post the final chapter of Replay (chapter 17).

Abandon Ship will be updated soon. I have finished the latest chapter, it is just being beta-ed.

That is all. Enjoy the chapter.

* * *

Chapter 9- Disturbances 

"_Isabel_!"

"Miss De Gette, thank you for gracing us with your presence. We all missed you terribly." Sirius stated sarcastically as Cassie bounded into his classroom and the other first years all smirked at him.

He wasn't sure who, but someone had decided to let them in on the details of Harry's plight in Azkaban. Needless to say; they all now took sadistic pleasure in watching Cassie muck up his class schedules. He guessed this tattletale was the self same person who managed to pass a law insisting that Care of Magical Creatures be added to the list of compulsory subjects, thus forcing him to deal with this she-devil two years too soon.

"Oh no trouble sweetheart, even us evil geniuses and future tyrants bent on world domination need to take some time out for comic relief every once in a while." Cassie shot back at him with an angelic smile, flipping her plaits over her left shoulder. "But I'm glad to hear that you all longed so desperately for my company. It just gives me this warm fuzzy feeling inside to know I'm so loved. Now, what do you have on the program for today's show?"

Sirius stood silently for a moment, glaring with barely disguised loathing at the evil red-head before him.

"Gnomes," He finally ground out, "We'll be learning the easiest way to handle them without getting bitten. Does that suit you your majesty?"

"Oh Cheryl, I thought you knew better by now then to address royalty directly. But no matter. On with the demonstration!" Cassie clapped her hands together sharply.

"I gave the demonstration last lesson Miss De Gette, and you have a detention with Mister Filch this afternoon from three for deciding not to show up. Professor Dumbledore has directed me to inform you that if you miss another class _or_ detention your parents will be contacted."

"He directed you? Oh your poor dear, it seems just about _everyone_ gets to boss you around. That must be very degrading, but I guess if you're used to submission you might not find it such a trial. Tell me Alison, are you sexually submissive?" Cassie looked up at him, her eyes innocently widened.

"For today's lesson," Sirius chose to ignore the girl and instead addressed the class, "You will all be attempting the techniques I showed you last class. Put on your gloves and select a crate of gnomes. Shift them all from the crate to the sack next to it. If you complete that confidently you may attempt throwing them. Aim for the large, white, oak tree over there near the forbidden forest. Miss De Gette, while I doubt you will finally choose this lesson to begin to show in class participation, if you have one of your mood swings you may work with Miss Sims and Miss Heckle who will show you the correct procedure."

"Did you hear that Bessie? We get to be partners!" Cassie cried in delight as Bessie rolled her eyes and Nola Heckle hid a giggle, "Oh this is going to be so much _fun_! We can read magazines and drink hot chocolate and have pillow fights! It'll be just like Diagon Alley."

"It will?"

"Well, not exactly. In fact, I don't know anyone who's had a pillow fight in Diagon Alley, but you've got to admit it would be fun."

"I guess you're right, but I'd never put much thought into the idea."

"Neither had I, but my recent investigation into the true sexual habits of our charming professor Noreen has allowed me a chance to truly explore such ideas as exhibitionism and the like."

"Miss De Gette." Sirius called out menacingly.

"Aren't you a bit young to be thinking about such things?" Nola asked curiously, completely ignoring their spluttering teacher.

"Probably, but the voices keep telling me that if I start my research early it will be a lot more fun when I do actually get around to it." Cassie explained.

"You know, I'd never considered it that way." Bessie looked thoughtful, "it would help with a lot of awkwardness later on in life if at least one person involved knew a little about the situation. Perhaps I should broach this topic to Professor Flitwick as a new subject for us Ravenclaws to research."

"Can I be there when you do?" Cassie looked hopeful, "Not only would the look on his face be just priceless; but I'm also trying to figure out exactly who Professor Flower here's 'dom' is. Doesn't dear Filius just seem like the type? My first thought was the darling werewolf, but that would be _far_ too obvious. I'm sure it must be much subtler then that. Where would be the fun otherwise? Half the entertainment in that sort of intimacy is in keeping it hidden I'm sure."

"Miss De Gette, this is your last warning."

"Okay, okay, keep your panties on Charlotte." Cassie sludged over to join the two Ravenclaws, for once seeming to be actually working on the given task.

Or at least, so it seemed for a minute or two.

* * *

"I can't take much more of this Albus! She's psychotic! She's a danger to me, the other students, even herself." 

Albus sucked peacefully on a lemon drop as he observed his rather emotional employee. Sirius had come straight up to his office after the final lesson of the day with Remus trailing behind sporting a worried look. Apparently their new student Cassandra De Gette had decided that, like house elves, gnomes deserved to be free and unmolested. With the support and assistance of all the other first years she had begun setting fire to all the crates, then directing the slightly burnt and traumatized gnomes straight towards Sirius for "reconditioning for their new role as free and productive members of society". Apparently free and slightly singed gnomes preferred the taste of human flesh to that of potatoes. They were probably still trying to recover from the stress of having lived in the Weasley's backyard.

On that note he had to remember to inform the Weasley's that upon trying to get rid of the gnomes Sirius had somehow managed to apparate them all back onto their property, although going on the suspiciously indirect and theoretically impossible method with which Sirius had managed this task, he suspected that the Weasley's had already been informed through the way of another fine from the Department of Magical Creatures. Perhaps even another letter from Drew Morton if one or two had managed to get through onto his property again.

"Now, now Sirius, the girl's only eleven." Albus placated, "Surely you are more then capable of dealing with this."

Remus gave a hollow laugh.

"Eleven or not; she's in league with three of the most immoral people in existence. She's probably got at least three demons and an archangel at her beck and call. Merlin only knows what that girl's capable of."

"Remus, my dear boy, what has gotten into you?" Albus stared at the usually rational man. One he knew to be one of the few members of his order currently shouldering the blame for their actions towards Harry recently.

"My apologies Headmaster, I just got another communication from Ha- sorry, Lord Potter." Remus looked around fearfully as though Harry might smite him for his blunder.

"You did?" Sirius turned to face him eagerly, "What did it say? Has he come to his senses? Is he coming home? Will he take Cassie away from us?"

"I can't say Sirius."

"Moony! We've never had secrets."

"No, seriously I can't say. If I do my tongue will be slashed to ribbons by invisible razor blades and then disguised as lemon drops and left for Albus to enjoy."

Dumbledore slowly extracted one of the yellow sweets from his mouth and placed it distastefully on the table before him.

"Albus!" Poppy burst into the room with a look of outrage on her face, "How could you let this happen? You swore to protect these children but yet you allow these bastards into your school to prey on them!"

"Poppy? What on earth is the matter?"

"I apologize for her behaviour Albus, she's a little horrified at the moment." Severus entered the room behind her, "We've just come from the hospital wing. I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation."

"What's wrong?"

"Well nothing really, but we needed to get your attention for a minute." Poppy grinned at him.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well you see, we have two intruders in the castle, I suspect they're Mister Potter and Miss Greengrass, but I can't be sure. They're going around impersonating Severus and I while the real versions of us are locked in the Hospital wing so they don't get in the way."

"Quick Albus we've got to find them! We've got to convince Harry to stay!" Sirius ran for the door.

"You always have been a bit slow on the uptake haven't you Padfoot." 'Severus' raised an eyebrow at him, "Now before you all get all panicky and worried about Madam Pomfrey and Professor Snape, you should know they're both fine. We've set them up with a plasma screen and a bucket of popcorn to watch what's currently unfolding in the Great Hall from the safety of the velveteen loveseat we also provided."

"H-Harry?" Sirius whispered, a slight tear forming in his eye.

"Oh, _now_ he's pleased to see me, but if anyone even _mentioned_ me a few months ago he turned into the spawn of Satan and spewed molten lava upon them." Harry flung his arms into the air and stomped in a small circle to show his exasperation.

"At least he cares now!" Daphne shot back as both morphed into their real bodies, "No one's even looking for me, or at least not on purpose they aren't. They wouldn't have even noticed I was missing if I wasn't with you." She laid her hand to her brow and collapsed onto one of the seats in front of Dumbledore's desk, "It's so difficult to have one's genius go unrecognised."

"Daffers?"

"Yes Harry?"

"If I get them to admit that you are an evil genius and future tyrant bent on world domination; will you stop acting like such a drama queen?"

"It was _you_ who gave her that idea!" Sirius cried out as Daphne seemed to ponder the question.

"Can you get them to do that?" She looked at Harry who sighed and turned to face Remus with an imploring expression.

Remus just rolled his eyes.

"You are an evil genius and future tyrant bent on ruling the world." He stated flatly.

Daphne gave an ecstatic squeal and leapt into Harry's arms to kiss him senseless.

"Moony, don't encourage her, she'll influence the De Gette monster." Sirius whined.

"Padfoot, I am not risking pissing these two off. And don't worry; neither Miss Greengrass nor Miss De Gette's egos can grow any bigger."

"It's not an ego thing," Daphne sniffed before smiling blissfully, "It's our calling."

"What is this PMS?" Sirius stared in wonder at the suddenly serene Daphne.

"Trust me; you don't want to imagine what that's like in her case." Harry assured him with a grin and then a wince as Daphne stomped on his foot, "So Remus, I take it you've agreed to our conditions and are taking us up on our offer?"

Remus sighed.

"Yes _Lord_ Potter. I think I can live with them. They were better then the alternative anyhow."

"Delighted to have you on board old boy," Harry clapped him on the back, "Enjoy the calm while it lasts. This will surely be one heck of a voyage."

"Moony?" Sirius looked at him in confusion and in return received a glare that very clearly said 'don't ask'.

"Don't worry your pretty head over it Padfoot," Daphne patted his cheek and gave a condescending smile; "You'll see what Remmy here agreed to soon enough. It'll be pretty hard to miss actually, but I'll let you discover all the details for yourself."

"Harry," Dumbledore looked at him warily, "What did you say about the Great Hall?"

"Oh yeah, that. We decided that the regular Hogwarts staff needed a bit of shaking up. You three plus Poppy and Severus are excluded for assorted reasons. For now though I will only tell you that this ruckus started about eight minutes ago and that Hermione should burst in any second to tell you all about it."

"Wha-"

"Headmaster!" Hermione practically screamed as she burst through the door. "They've gone wild! The girls have gone wild!"

"Oh hi there 'Mione!" Harry waved at her, "How'd you're appointment go?"

"We'll be leaving you all right about now." Daphne smiled, "But since I doubt you'll be able to deal with what's going on down there, I'll warn you now that my mood swings are nothing compared with what you'll find. Cheerio."

With that comment the two vanished, this time using the corny 'puff of smoke' method.

* * *

In all Minerva McGonagall's years of teaching; she had never seen anything like this, and she'd taught through the Marauder times. 

There were all sorts of myths telling that when girls and women spend a lot of time near each other their cycles tend to link up, but this was a PMS epidemic. All the boys were huddled in fear on the teachers platform, some calling for their mothers, others saying final prayers. The only thing protecting them from the advancing hoards was a wall of all the first year, most of the second year, and some of the third year girls, who stood with eating utensils in hand, protecting the more cowardly sex. Well, all of them except Cassie who was currently staging a one-woman protest atop the Slytherin table over how it wasn't fair that the older girls had an excuse to throw temper tantrums but she got detention if she even considered chucking a wobbly.

The remainder of the female students couldn't seem to make up their minds about what they were doing. They alternated between screaming feministic death threats at the cowering men and teachers, bursting into tears on the spot, beginning cat fights with each other, moaning about their stomachs, and eating the large tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream which the house elves were carting in by the gallon. No one was yet sure why Hermione had been spared, but it did give a strong hint that just maybe the tarnished trio were behind this.

Having passed through menopause many years ago, Minerva was a little unsure of how to proceed in this situation. She was just a little rusty on the details after all, but so far she and the other teachers had relied on their fallback technique of joining the boys, curling into balls, and patting themselves on the back. They all felt it was working rather well for them. At least it was until the first years got pissed off over the lack of effort their professors were displaying and stepped aside to let the girls have at them. It seemed to be all over for them until, finally, Hermione Granger pulled through once again.

She shoved open the main doors to the hall, drawing everyone's attention, and revealed an approaching Dumbledore.

Instantly the girls reformed, straightening their hair up, wiping the chocolate and tear stains off their faces, and looking at the behaviour of their teachers and classmates in mock confusion.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?" Dumbledore started, forgoing the usual mystic, practically Yoda speeches he usually chose to make.

"We don't know sir." A fourth year girl smiled at him winsomely, "All the professors started acting really strange. Some of the boys went over to see if they were okay, but then they started acting the same. Anyway, you know how boys can get and one after the other they filed over to help their friends and soon they were all like this, the first years and second years as well. We've been standing back from the platform just in case. Do you think it's something in the air?"

Minerva looked at some of her most trust worthy students in shock as all the girls backed up this story. It was unbelievable, but yet she couldn't bring herself to say something to disprove it. Eventually a suspicious Dumbledore told all the girls to head back to the common rooms or outside while he sorted this mess out. The teachers, boys, and younger girls were all told to stay here until more tests were run.

Cassie was more then a little outraged by this but, like Minerva, she seemed unable to protest and resorted to muttering under her breath. Filius later said he was sure he caught something about "bloody teachers' pets", but could never have confirmed it in order to pass her a detention.

* * *

"The mail's here honey!" Molly called out to her husband, flicking through the small pile. 

She tossed two bills, the paper, and one ministry letter toward him, keeping a letter from Charlie and the tabloid magazines for herself. Silence reigned supreme in the house, broken only by the crunching of toast and shuffling of paper. The couple had worked out their breakfast routine years before, but it was rare for the house to be empty enough for them to follow it. On automation Molly passed the honey across and took the offered public health and society pages Arthur had extracted from the Prophet for her.

"Stocks are up." Arthur muttered to himself as his wife delved into the juicy gossip.

"That's nice dear." She replied vaguely before choking on her coffee, "_Arthur_!" She shrieked at the top of her very ample lungs.

"Molly? What on earth is the matter?"

"Here," she shoved the paper back in his grasp and pulled out a small bottle of brandy. Unscrewing the lid and taking a long drink she indicated for him to read a certain passage. Worried by his wife's peculiar behaviour; Arthur turned his attention to the announcement.

_Health Warning: Have contracted __Syphilis__.  
V. Contagious! Blw list of cncrn'd names.  
NOT COMPLETE! If listed/ shld b listed;  
See Med.Wiz. or Dr. immdtly.  
See pic. blw for ID._

Beneath the shockingly stark message was a list of over twenty names and a very revealing, moving picture of a smiling Ginny Weasley.

The usually unflappable Arthur Weasley fainted dead away in his seat.

Once his wife had revived him, he immediately called his work and informed them he would not be in today. Molly stormed around the kitchen smashing dishes and ranting about all the sadistic punishments she would delve out on her daughter. While she finished "tidying" the kitchen Arthur opened and read the ministry letter. Finishing it; he looked cautiously over at his wife who was hunting down the floo powder to take them both to Hogwarts.

Tucking the letter carefully under his stool cushion, he decided the news of this latest gnome fine could wait until the next day.

* * *

So… d'you likes it? Review and I promise I'll marry you. Well, perhaps I won't do that, but you may pretend you are married to me (_only_ if you review). 

The **pairing poll** is still running (see the names above). It will **close** at the exact moment that I post the final chapter of **Replay**. Remember, it is for a new, not yet existing, story, and is a vote for the person who will be paired with Harry. If you wish to suggest a pairing between other characters for any story then you can feel free to, but I may just ignore you.


	10. Revelations

_**Bedlamite**_

Charlie won the poll for the new story, Replay is finished, and a new oneshot has been posted (not exactly slash so you het fans can be happy). I've completed the plans for the new fic but haven't started writing it yet. The same applies for the Replay sequel. I've almost finished the 10 chapter Harry Potter/Lisa Turpin story I've been working on. I think that brings everything up to date.

**Warning:** This story is rated M. It contains strong violence, adult themes, and sexual references.

**Summary:** First let's pretend Harry is sent to Azkaban. Now let's pretend he doesn't like it much. Then let's pretend the ministry says OOPS and releases him. But finally, let's pretend Harry does not easily forgive and forget. Dear wizarding world… this means war.

**Disclaimer:** Hello? This is _fan fiction_! Surely you've all realised that I do not own all the aspects of my story? I mean come _on_! Duh! (For those of you who didn't realize, the characters you will recognize belong to J.K Rowling and related companies. So does the setting, but I do own the plot and an overdeveloped ego).

**Dedicated **to dogbertcarroll for being the 300th reviewer and to 10dedfish for coming up with the idea for the Ginny ad and then not kicking up a huge fuss when I forgot to give credit last chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 10- Revelations **

"Well, I'd say that all went quite well." Poppy commented brightly to Severus as they finished the last of their popcorn.

"I couldn't agree more my dear." Severus nodded as he got up from the couch, "Those boys should be glad Harry thought to inform the house elves there would be a need for extra ice-cream. It could have been disastrous otherwise."

"Did we miss it? Please tell me we didn't miss it." Narcissa cried out dramatically as she and Alastor tumbled through the floo entrance.

"I'm so sorry Narcissa," Poppy placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "But… I'm afraid you're too late."

"No! It can't be! I never said I loved him!" Narcissa collapsed in sobs against the plump nurse.

"Honey, I think you're confusing this situation with something else." Alastor commented with a raised eyebrow, "But, I would pay a lot of money to know who you thought you'd lost for a moment there. You barely love your son, and you certainly haven't missed your husband and supposed life partner."

"That term's overrated. You wouldn't believe the fun you can have as a single woman at a swinger's club."

"No, I don't suppose I would. I shall never know that joy." Alastor managed a tragic look.

"Did I miss it? Did I miss it?" George suddenly tumbled out of the fireplace already shouting eagerly.

"How'd you know to be here?"

"Cassie's voices told her." George explained, "She said I could go ahead and get these guys before heading up here. Did I miss it?"

"Sorry Mister Abbott." Poppy smiled at him sympathetically, "It just ended."

"_What_? Oh you've gotta be kidding me." George stomped his foot crossly, apparently taking on a bit of Cassie in her absence, "I missed it all? Even the ice-cream?"

"Sorry Georgie-boy," Narcissa commented brightly, "But I promise Alastor and I are just as upset as you, if not more so because we're bigger and squooshier."

"Squooshier?"

"You are Alastor, whether you admit it or not."

"Damn." George slumped down on the couch, "I was sure I'd at least get here in time for the Weasley thing."

The room fell completely silent.

"The _Weasley thing_?" Severus finally whispered in a strangled voice.

"Er… yeah."

If ever it were a possible for a room to get more silent than dead silent, this one did. For a minute anyway.

"Everyone back on the couch!" Severus hollered.

"Alastor, you're sitting on me."

"So move your fat arse Cissy."

"Fat arse?"

"Oh she is _so_ going to make you regret that comment."

"You're developing a smart mouth Mister Abbott."

"Sorry Madam."

"That's alright George. Severus, _move_!"

"I can't, Alastor keeps poking me."

"You are such a baby."

"Mister Abbott!"

"Well he is."

"I know dear, but it's not nice to say it."

"Hey!"

"How do you get this plasma thingy working anyway? What is the plasma stuff?"

"Harry and Daphne didn't say. I think it's some form of spirit… or mucus or something."

"Ew. Whatever it is brings up a clear picture though."

"What are we watching for?"

"The Weasley thing. You should pay more attention Alastor."

"_Constant vigilance_!"

"Don't tease him Georgie-boy."

"I'm not."

"Is everyone settled? I think something is happening."

"Then shut-up."

"You shut-up."

"_You_ shut-up."

"Both of you, stop behaving like little children."

"Mister Abbot, what did I say about smart-mouthing?"

* * *

Albus sighed in his best melancholic tone as he dismissed the last of the boys with a wave. The teachers all still remained for him to query but somehow he knew their stories would be just as confusing as the students' had been. Secretly he couldn't help but be glad that he didn't have enough information for a full enquiry into the whole escapade. He doubted he would like what he found.

"Life treating you a bit roughly there hey Albie?" a small voice piped up beside him.

"Hello Miss De Gette," he responded without looking down, "Did you enjoy today's dramas?"

"Oh immensely," Cassie sighed in a dreamy voice, "One day I hope to be capable of creating as much chaos as we witnessed here today. I'm afraid I haven't quite reached those standards yet."

"Oh I assure you, you have my dear," Albus told her.

"Oh Uncle Albie, you're making me blush," Cassie said with a giggle which unnerved the nearby Sirius to no end, "But seriously, I think I need to practice a bit more first don't you?"

"No. I personally think the idea should be abandoned but then, who am I to separate a young person from their dreams?"

"You could lock me in Azkaban," Cassie suggested helpfully, "I hear that's worked well for you in the past. Although it is only a quick fix and holds no long term benefits for either of us."

"For a minute there we almost had a civil conversation," he pointed out to her with a patronizing smile.

"Bite me."

Albus turned his attention towards the teachers and began getting Sybil's story. Along side him Sirius and Remus echoed his questions to Professor Vector and Professor Sinistra. As they worked along the line of teachers it became clear that Albus' suspicions had been right. None of their stories made any sense in the slightest and were only made more confusing by the indignant spluttering noises the teachers could not seem to desist making.

"I say we brush this whole ordeal aside and pretend it never happened." Sirius muttered to Albus as Cassie and Remus made exasperated noises and snapped their fingers in unison.

"He'll retaliate to that with something bigger Padfoot and you know it."

"Indeed. Honestly Noreen, are you incapable of coming up with a realistic suggestion?"

"Now, now both of you," Albus began, "Remus I don't know what's gotten into but-"

"_Albus_!" Molly Weasley bellowed deafeningly as she slammed open the doors to the hall, causing Filius to fall from his seat, "_Where are my children_? I blame you for this as much as I blame them!"

"Molly, do calm down," Albus placated her, "If you will only wait a moment I'm sure Mister and Miss Weasley can be summoned for you."

"This is going to be good," murmured Cassie in a singsong tone as Sirius rushed off to find the two Weasels.

"Mum? Dad?" Ron looked at his parents in confusion as he entered the hall, followed closely by Ginny, Sirius, and Hermione who apparently could not bear to be left out of _any_ discussion, "What's going on?"

"_That_… is for _Ginny _to explain," Molly hissed out, drawing her chest up.

"Er… I'm not sure what's going on either Mum." Ginny looked at her parents warily as they glared at her.

"Would you care to tell us about _this_," Molly thrust the advertisement under Ginny's nose, waving it around dramatically.

Ginny glanced negligently down at the proffered paper and then gasped. She looked stunned for a moment and then, to the amazement of her parents; her lip twitched and she raised her hand to cover a smile.

"This isn't a joke Ginny!" Her father roared, honestly angered with his youngest for the first time in years.

"I'm sorry Dad, but you have to admit it's funny," Ginny looked sheepish, "Anyway, how can I be held responsible for Ron's er… business ventures.

Both adult Weasleys looked at her in amazement before turning the paper over to reexamine it. In the place of Ginny's health warning, a new advert had been placed. A rather unbecoming picture of Ronald Weasley sprawled out on a lounge looking flirtatiously at the camera had appeared. Printed above it was the message _Out for a good time? Just touch your wand to this ad and state clearly 'Ron is a Hornbag' to find out just what this sexy redhead can get up to._

The hall's other residents all peered past the Weasleys to look at the ad.

"Ron," Hermione gasped out, staring at her boyfriend in amazement.

"I swear 'Mione I've never seen that before," Ron looked around at the others desperately, a red blush already staining his cheeks.

"I think Mister Weasley may be telling the truth," Albus told the others almost regretfully, "Going on your initial reactions Arthur, Molly, I would assume it previously showed something connected to _Miss _Weasley?" the two adults nodded, "Well then, this positively reeks of our friend Mister Potter."

"No, it positively reeks of Daphne," Cassie corrected him, "Honestly, you've all experienced more than enough of the so called tarnished trio's pranks, you think you'd start to recognize their styles by now. Harry likes to go with the less subtle and sometimes painful punishments that are purely for embarrassment. Daphne is more likely to be responsible for anything written or sex based. And then Draco fills in the gaps with mass pranks like this morning or what happened to Diagon Alley on Evil Day."

"How is it _you_ know so much about their actions?" Sirius looked suspicious.

Cassie looked around nervously before beckoning Sirius close and whispering in his ear, "Penelope… I hear voices," she gave a loud sob and cried out, "They're everywhere! I can't escape them. But sometimes they're useful," she smiled angelically at Hermione, "Like when they told me about what Daphne set up for you as the 'solution' for the spell Harry cast. Honestly, how gullible can you be?"

"That was fake?" Hermione breathed out in horror. Cassie nodded slowly, a wicked smile spreading over her face, "But I've already slept with Filch!" The bushy haired brunette wailed.

"You said you loved me!" the caretaker shouted from the corner of the hall where he'd been observing everyone before snatching up his cat and running from the hall.

"Hermione…" Ron began.

"You don't understand me," Hermione hiccupped, a tear running down her face, "And you certainly don't understand why I had to do that! No one understands me! The whole world hates me!" she too ran sobbing from the hall.

"Frickin' emo kid," Cassie muttered.

There was a stunned silence around the hall, broken only by short groans and the words _Oh you're dirty_ from Ron's ad after Cassie quietly set off the spell. Molly looked at the ad, gave a squeak and shoved it in her bag.

"Minerva, be a dear and make sure Argus is off the premises by four o'clock," Albus murmured to his deputy before drifting out of the hall.

* * *

"Where the hell is Rita?" Corey Badger shouted from his office. As editor for the Daily Prophet, he was naturally a bit upset when for the second day in a row his top reporter hadn't shown up for work.

"Sorry Corey," Penelope Clearwater his personal assistant rushed in holding a stack of documents, "I've called her at home four times already and she's not answering her floo. Here are the drafts from Ben for the travel segment for Friday, a deck of photos of Cornelius Fudge from Lara Trifle that she would like to sell; only three are any good, and a list of draft ideas for tomorrow's cover story from features. They'd like your choice within the hour. Allen Smith has called eight times to ask if you're interested his three week progressive story. It was crap, I keep telling him you're in a meeting and not interested.

"Your mother wanted to know if you could get back to her soon about your father's funeral plans. I've already made arrangements for the flowers for you. Your son's preschool called, he hit another kid with his toy broom and they want him picked up today."

"Can you do that for me Penny?" Corey shuffled through the photos, "While you're out, get me a coffee and drive to Rita's to see what she's up to. Take a spare hour to have your lunch break and get Joey something after you've picked him up. We'll purchase the first two Cornelius photos off Lara but that's it."

"I'll do that right away Corey," Penelope smiled and headed back to her desk outside.

"Oh, and Penny, how's it going between you and the Weasley boy? I hear he's running his own department at the ministry now."

"That's right," she looked surprised that he'd remembered, "He got promoted to Legal Representative for Underage Victims and Offenders but the job turned out to be so big they made it a sub department of Amelia Bones' and gave him three under officials and an assistant. He's really pleased with how well it's going-"

"Whatever Penny," Corey waved her to silence, "I hear there was a massive controversy connected to the Potter kid when it all started. With his new job he must know all the details. If you can get them, I'll let you write the article and get your name in print."

* * *

"Cho? Hi, it's Penny."

"Oh hi," Cho leant over her desk to cover her mobile phone and cast a furtive glance across at Fudge's office, "He's in; we'll have to be quiet. I'm not supposed to use Muggle technology."

"I know, I know, me neither. I'm just in transit on the Knight Bus, Joey was being a pain again, plus Rita didn't show for work. I gave Corey you photos under the name Lara Trifle, he'll buy two of them."

"Awesome," Cho grinned, "If he ever lets you write articles, I've got some juicy stuff about the current controversies in the Department of Magical Creatures."

"I'm not even a real journalist and I've already got an inside source," Penelope laughed, "And get this, he wants me to get details on Harry Potter from Percy. If I can, he'll let me write articles."

"Are you going to do it?"

"I'm not sure, it's sort of unethical. I'll ask Percy but I'll tell him the truth as to why I want the information." Penny smiled at Stan as she passed him her toll and jumped down off the bus outside the preschool.

"You may still not want to write it. Have you heard what happened to Rita?"

Penelope stopped where she was.

"No, I was going to drop by there via floo after getting Joey. Like I said, she hasn't come to work for two days."

"Penny, you _really_ don't want to go there," Penelope could hear the hint of humour in Cho's voice, "Potter got back at her for those articles."

"_This_ I've got to hear," Penny grinned.

"He took that old Muggle trick of covering the floor with plastic cups filled with water and expanded on it. He filled them all to the brim so she would have to carry them one at a time to the sink, but as soon as she touched one, they all leapt at her. She's got several hundred on her at the moment but each time she brushes one, more jump on. She looks like a plastic abominable snowman. They've got about ten ministry workers over there trying to fix the problem but apparently only Arthur Weasley is experienced enough with Muggle artifacts to deal with this problem and he ran off to Hogwarts. He left yesterday and still isn't back. I hear Arthur's going to be demoted if he keeps behaving so irresponsibly."

"_Nice_, I'll be sure to try and contact Potter if I choose to write this article. I don't want the same treatment."

"Oh I'm sure he'll let you. He's gotten back at your man for his involvement in the whole thing already."

"Oh dear, what'd he do?"

"He replaced all his paperwork with scripts from that kid's show Barney and made them sing the _I love you, you love me_ song," Cho giggled, "He almost had an apoplexy until he realized who was responsible. He found a note from Malfoy explaining that it would fix itself in twenty four hours but would return to this way if it seemed Percy's morals were slipping at all. Percy just let everyone from his department go home with a full day's pay."

"Cool. I have to pick up Joey now okay?" Penelope looked in worry towards the preschool and the childlike screams of anger emerging from it.

"Yeah sure, I have to go check on Fudge anyway. Bye Penny."

"Bye Cho."

* * *

Review or I'll kill off Cassie.

* * *

Memories-of-the-Shadows is responsible for the Percy idea.

10dedfish came up with the idea for the Ginny revenge that was in the last chapter. I forgot to give credit then sorry.


End file.
